Action: A Book About Sex by Amy Rose Spiegel Page B

it’s just some variation on “sup,” the most irritating and expectant manner of “hitting on” someone in recorded history. The writers of “sup” are leeches! They are placing the onus wholly on the other person to come up with some witty retort, and those recipients don’t even know that they have a reason to bother yet! Actually, they have the opposite, since “what’s up” is an instant boner-killer.
    Some people use a more expansive template, but when the reader can tell it’s a dating Mad Lib all the same, the senderoften may as well not have bothered. What you might do instead of copying the suave and flirtatious moves of institutions shilling credit cards: Comment on the aspect of a person’s profile that genuinely attracted you to begin with, like a certain interest or mutual trait, compliment the person’s appearance without going full-skeeve-overboard in the ass-cheexz direction, and ask them a question about something in their profile that they seem to have spent thought and time devising. Hollering at someone on the internet is easy: Keep it short, spell correctly, and don’t be a bank.
    If the person messages back and seems cool, your online interactions should end with one more communiqué, and that’s it! The longer you go back and forth without putting voices, faces, and inflections to your conversation, the greater the opportunity to conjure false or misleading versions of yourselves. Ask them out! Propose an activity that you think they’d like based on what they’ve chosen to say about themselves in their profile—much like “sup,” open-ended requests to hang, as in interrogating them about what they’d like to do, make them do your work for you. Conversely, asking to spend time with them decisively demonstrates that you know what you’re doing, and that they’d probably like to do whatever that is with you. Suggest something specific, and then say that you’re down to try out some other pursuit if what you’ve floated isn’t of interest.
    When you’re the one responding to an introductory message like the ones conceptualized above, you’re in a far easier position. A nice, optional guideline: Even if, like me, you’re not naturally funny, come at your reply with levity and/or wryness. Thank them for writing you. Ask a question, and make it specific to them in the style laid out above. Then let them chase you! The fun of being wanted is similar to the fun of wanting. With luck, a person will come to experience both. The whole point of these endeavors is good sex, and the whole point of good sex is realizing that you can position and reposition yourself as you go.
How to Graciously Turn Someone Down
Save for the cases in which you’re flagged down by catcallers and “suitors” with defunct understandings of what qualifies as a compliment, turning people down with kindness is an admirable practice. You might not have the kind of tender nerves that make hitting on someone feel like a potentially humiliating risk, but don’t make the assumption that everyone else shares your unflappability! Even if the person wooing you is grounded and easy about any potential negative reaction, it’s still less than preferable to have someone sneer into their drink at your advances. Say, “Thanks, but I’m not interested,” like a self-actualized adult.
If someone invades your space, interrupts or touches you without asking, or comes at you clumsily, you do not owe them your politeness, as they haven’t paid any mind to yours. In those cases, I like to crisply pronounce every letter in the phrase “You need to back up,” while looking at the offending party like I want to garnish them with parsley and masticate ’em. That’s usually enough to get the shitheel to slur, “SOH-RRY!” and maybe call me a bitch, then leave. Perfect!

Whom Should You Bone?

    Anyone who’s lucky enough that you should want to. I was going to add, “… as long as they seem like a good person,” but