Beauty and the Bully by Andy Behrens Page B

it.”
    Duncan glared at her. “Because you’ve been trying to help me—which I appreciate—I’m gonna let the beaver talk go.”
    â€œYou’re in no position to threaten me, dude,” said Jess, grinning.
    â€œSo we were going to discuss my wooing Carly.”
    â€œRight,” said Jess, shifting slightly. “You know, we do have a few other thug names from our systematic sampling of Maple North students. We could try ’em.”
    â€œSloth was their king, though. Those North kids are soft. And I couldn’t endure another stakeout.”
    â€œMe either, really.” She thought for a moment. “Ooh, here’s an idea: we’ll call administrators at other high schools—not just North—and pretend to be military recruiters. Then we ask for the names of the most disruptive and troubled kids. I’d bet we’ll get good leads.”
    â€œDon’t you think there might be something illegal about pretending to be military recruiters? Like, seriously illegal. Like they throw you in a small cage in a secret island prison and put electrodes on our shaved heads.”
    â€œYeah, maybe,” Jess said, sighing. “We could go to Tacos de Paco downtown and look for bullies. It’s been my experience that thug-looking guys really enjoy the cheap burritos.”
    â€œDude, all men are drawn to burritos. They call to us. ‘¡Cómame, amigos!’ they say. And we obey them. They are not simply for thugs.”
    â€œOohhhh-kay.” She raised an eyebrow.
    â€œMrs. Kindler would call that anthropomorphizing,” Duncan said. “The talking burritos.”
    â€œRight. So we don’t look for bullies at the burrito place. Fine. There must be other ways to find them.” Jess frowned, thinking hard. “How ’bout we dress Stew up as some kind of übergeek—the thick glasses, the button-down oxford—and we use him as bait. Maybe take him to a mall and wait for someone to antagonize him. Then, when they do, you and I swoop in and offer to hire them.”
    â€œNumber one, that’s a lot to ask of Stew. Number two—and this is really the deal-breaker—if these mall thugs somehow managed to hurt Stew before we could get there, Carly would start lavishing attention on him . We can’t have that. It would lead to friction, mistrust, and general band discord.” He tapped his fingertips together. “Let’s face it: things are hopeless. ”
    â€œYou could just try being honest with Carly,” Jessie said. “Maybe express what you’re actually feeling.”
    Duncan chuckled. “You’re high, Jess. It’s waaaaaay too early in the relationship for honesty. Once you’ve played the honesty card, it’s over. There are no more cards to play.”
    â€œSo honesty is only to be attempted after you’re completely out of BS? Is that how it works? Hmm. Interesting.”
    â€œKinda. At least in this case. I was hoping to save honesty for, like, last week of senior year. Unless Carly and I were ever drunk together, which seems even less likely than our dating.”
    Jessie fumbled with the collection of remotes hidden in various chair crevices. She turned on the TV, then the game system, then grabbed a controller. She and Duncan continued discussing his bully/Carly options while she gamed. Eventually, they began to hear upstairs noises: keys, the front door, indecipherable conversation, giggly kids.
    â€œFood’s here,” said Duncan. “Finally.”
    Jessie grunted at the TV, swerving to duck some pixelated missile. Duncan leapt up the stairs.
    â€œHey, Mom,” he said. “Jess is over. She’s gaming. Where’s dinner?”
    â€œMissed you, too, son,” said his smiling father, angling past him on his way to the fridge.
    â€œThere are several pizza slices in a Styrofoam container,” said Duncan’s mom. “The wait at