Beauty and the Dark by Georgia le Carre Page B

at him even though I feel his eyes on me a few times.
    “Goodnight, Sofia,” he says, deliberately addressing me.
    “Goodnight, Jack,” I mumble, throwing him a quick glance.
    His face is in shadow from the overhead lights, but his eyes watch me like a hunter. My fingers tighten around the edges of the table as I hurriedly drop my eyes down to my lap.
    Shortly after Jack leaves we get into the car and make our way to the Kensington apartment. Irina is already in bed and her nanny wishes us goodnight before disappearing into her room.
    Lena catches my arm. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks.
    “There’s nothing to talk about,” I say sadly.
    “But he likes you,” she implores.
    I shake my head and run to my room. I can’t talk about Jack to anyone. The sensations in my body are too raw to deal with right now. The truth is I am too cut about it. All this is too deep, too soon.
    That night on my way to the toilet, I pass Guy and Lena’s room and hear their whispering voices. Then I hear Lena crying and I know instantly that they are talking about me. The only thing in Lena’s life that brings tears to her eyes is me and my condition. Guilt pours into my gut. I should have spoken to her when she wanted to. I’ll speak to her now. I lift my hand to knock on their door, but I hear Guy’s crooning voice try to soothe her, and my hand falls uselessly to the side of my body.
    She will be all right. It will be all right.
    Guy will make it all right for her. He always does.
    There is one thing that is clear to me. I am bringing heartache and disharmony to the people I love the most. It is clear I cannot have him. I must face that and find a different way to be. Tomorrow I will tell Lena that I am not interested in Jack.
    The next time I meet Jack I will apologize if I have given the wrong impression, but I am not available. The only relationship I am interested in is friendship. It’s not like he will miss me too much. There must be loads of other women who want him. For a second the unwanted image of Fiona grasping Jack’s hand fills my head.
    Then I push it firmly out of my mind and continue on my way to the toilet. 

Eighteen
    Jack
    I lied. I didn’t have a damn place to be early in the morning. Surgery days are Tuesdays and Thursdays. This way I keep my surgery days when I need a steady hand and a clear head separate from my drinking days. I only have to be at work by mid-morning tomorrow.
    I stalk out of the restaurant with my cock lighting up the inside of my pants. I’ve never wanted a woman the way I want her. With Lana it was mostly a deeply protective instinct. When I think back now it was purely brotherly for ages. In fact, until we were both adults it never even crossed my mind to think of her sexually. Even then it was tenderness and in a wildly romantic way. I dreamed of kissing her in the rain. I thought of myself as her knight in shining armor.
    With Sofia I want to rip her sensible clothes off her and rut with her in the corridor of restaurants. I don’t know what it is about her, but I’m mad for her. She says she’s not interested but I know she wants it too. She feels the same pull. I have no idea where this crazy-mad desire comes from, but fucking hell it’s stronger than me.
    I hail a cab and give him the address of the pub. I shift in my seat to accommodate my erection. I lean back and think of Guy. Fuck, I had to stop myself from punching him one. Who the fuck does he think he is? Pompous prat. He should take care of the sister he’s married to. The next time he gets in my way I won’t be so polite. Actually, I’ll wrench his head off his interfering neck.
    The usual suspects are already clowning around at the bar.
    “Hey, Tommy,” I say dropping down into the last space around the table.
    “Aren’t ye a great little bastard?” he sings, more than half gone.
    We drink steadily for the next couple of hours, but for the first time I don’t get numb. I keep thinking about