Before I Break by Portia Moore

get past it,” she explains.
    “I don’ t know how I’m supposed to deal with this… if I even can, but I’m willing to try because of that little girl in that picture. I’d do anything for her, including giving up the only person I’ve ever been in love with…”
    That’s when I realize : she’s somehow come to terms with this, and I feel like a load of bricks have been removed from my brain.
    B ut then she starts to cry. I can tell she’s trying to be strong but it’s like whoever just took the bricks of my brain just fastened them to her heart . “I—I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.”
    She walks tow ards me and takes a deep breath. She looks at me almost as if she’s trying to see me for a new person. Tears are still pouring from her eyes. I search my pockets and find a napkin, offering it to her. She takes it and wipes her eyes.
    “I know that this isn’t your fault. And I know that you want to believe none of this is your problem, but it is, and it’s mine too…But it’s not Caylen’s. I’m willing to accept that you’re not Cal, that you aren’t my husband. I can learn to do that. But I can’t relieve you of being Caylen’s father. You’re part of her.” Her voice is shaky but stern, and the look in her eyes lets me know she means business. “That’s all I’m really sure about. That’s all that I can think of to say to you,” she says with a sigh and takes a seat on the sofa.
    Wow, what is with this girl? She seems fragile yet so undeniably strong. How the hell did a guy like him make a girl like this fall in love with him? I walk over to the sofa and sit down in the same spot I was in before, the prerequisite inches between. I look over at her and remember Cal’s message.
    “My parents say that he’s…they describe him like…” I’m trying to think of a way to describe him without offending her, but I’m coming up blank
    “ Oh I know, your father didn’t hesitate to tell me what he thought of Cal,” she replies.
    Good old dad . “Is he…? Was he…?” I ask hesitantly. I’ve never hated anyone before but I can imagine this is what I feel towards him for what he’s done to my life, my relationships. His disregard of the beliefs and values my family taught me to hold dear makes my skin crawl. That monster—he’s inside of me.
    “The person your parents describe isn’t who Cal was to me. Don’t get me wrong, he could be arrogant, mean, and snide… a lot,” she sighs. Arrogant, mean , and snide, that's my first impression of him.
    “He’s so much more than that,” she continues. “He could be kind…caring…protective,” she adds, and I feel my eyebrow rise. I don’t see how a guy who ruined my life could be kind, caring, or protective, but I try not to let my expression show my disbelief.
    “He’ s extremely intelligent, confident, and persuasive. He could talk anyone into doing what he wanted. He was handsome, incredibly sexy…” I try to hide the smile growing on my face. I know she’s technically not referring to me, but well, the one thing we have in common is the same face…
     

 
    Chapter 6
    The meeting with Lauren wen t better than I expected. I don’t know what I expected, really. But it could have gone worse. Way worse. It’s too weird thinking about how a part of me had this whole life with another person. That’s something I haven’t been able to grasp.
    At least she seems nice. I wasn ’t there long, but it went better than our first meeting. Then again, it couldn’t have gone any worse than that. I’ve gained a lot respect for her. She was able to hold it together, aside from the crying, but I can’t blame her for that. I can’t imagine being in her place. My own place is screwed up enough. I feel lighter, though.  Like the heaviness that was once on me is gone. I know things are far from fixed, but knowing that Lauren isn’t a screaming psycho and she recognizes me or at least is trying to recognize me for who I am, helps a