most of all, he felt guilty about it. Because, compared to Niels, what had he really experienced? Nothing that should have such a big impact on him now. He was an adult, and Niels was still a child.
And Petra was his mother. If he was experiencing these types of problems as a father, what must she be going through? Up until now, he hadn’t noticed anything alarming about her. In fact it only seemed as if she grew stronger every day. She managed to give Niels a real sense of security, in a way no one else could and yet still give him enough space to process things in his own way. She didn’t suffocate him, even though he knew how difficult it was for her to let him go. She had an incredible amount of willpower and put her entire life in service of Niels and him, while still managing to keep up appearances by going to work and acting as normal as possible. He had not told Petra about his dreams. He would simply tell her that he’d had a restless night, if she asked. So they weren’t really all that honest with each other. It was a big paradox. Because when they had agreed that they would get through this together and to be there 100 percent for Niels, they had forgotten themselves in the process. That was something they needed to be careful about. If one of them had a breakdown now, they would be in even more trouble.
But if he was going to confront Petra about it, he needed to put all his cards on the table as well. They each had to show their weaknesses to each other, and he wasn’t very good at that. And the fact that she didn’t want him to see what she was reading online also showed him that she wasn’t ready to talk about it yet either. He didn’t want any drama, certainly not this late at night. Tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow, he would bring it up. Let’s sleep on it tonight , he thought.
He entered the room again, grabbing the remote control and holding it demonstratively in front of Petra. “Do me a favor and close that laptop. It’s your turn to decide. Stars Dancing in the Sand or Farm Girl Needs a Boyfriend , or whatever those shows are called, I’m fine with it. You pick.”
Petra looked at her watch. “At this time? That could be difficult.”
She closed her laptop anyway and grabbed the remote from his hand. “Oh, well,” she said, smiling faintly. “I’ll find something.”
Hans was happy that she didn’t decide to retreat completely. A small victory.
19
October
Petra took the dresses that her client had left on the bench in the changing room and walked into the shop with the pile of clothes under her arm. When she stood by the clothes rack, she put the pile on the floor and grabbed an empty hanger. But no matter what she tried, the first dress kept sliding off the hanger. She cursed.
Liesbeth came from behind the counter while Petra, clearly irritated, picked up the dress from the floor. She heard Liesbeth lock the store’s front door. What the hell is she doing ? she thought. It’s only two thirty !
Liesbeth walked up to her and grabbed her by the arm.
“Hey, what are you doing? What’s wrong?”
“This has got to stop.”
Liesbeth pulled her into the warehouse that was adjacent to the store. She grabbed two chairs and made it clear with a short nod that she had to sit down. “We need to have a talk,” Liesbeth said calmly.
Petra waved her away. “Don’t be silly now. Everyone is in a bad mood once in a while.”
“This goes beyond that. I see you dropping weight every day. How much have you lost?”
“Maybe a pound or two?”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“Almost nine pounds.”
Liesbeth nodded thoughtfully. “That’s closer to the truth, yes. Now why don’t you tell me why? And I’m not just talking about that awful day at Lake Garda. There must be something else.”
Her directness shocked Petra, but she could not go on pretending that nothing was wrong. Liesbeth knew her too well for that. And if she didn’t share her story with someone soon, she would also have to