Breakout by Kevin Emerson Page B

but then the second one is stronger, and the song really feels like
life
feels lately, where things are getting more and more intense, and trapping you.
    I keep looping it and do more takes. I’m sweating underthe covers, and the more I sing the lyrics, the angrier I’m getting. It is starting to feel like yesterday when we were playing Killer G and the music and everything suddenly felt overwhelming. This song is tapped into that feeling.
    The song
is
that feeling.
    My brain spirals like there’s a tornado of everything that has been so frustrating and stupid lately. The email. The call home. My parents. Mr. Scher. Sadie. And even Keenan and Skye, not just because of Skye’s opinions but also because it’s like I lost them both when they started dating.
    Every part of my life is enemy territory, and it’s like in Level 16 of
LF
when you’re on your own in the woods after you escape from Stalag VII-A, and a pack of German dogs is on your scent and they’ve cornered you in a barn and there is no escape—that’s how it feels all the time to be me and to deal with everything and all I can think
    all I can think
    all I can barely think is
    F*** everything!
    is honestly how I really feel, but oh no, you can’t say that. It’s not okay to use
those
words to describe your feelings, the most powerful words, the most accurate. We’re supposed to just be perfect and young and
fine
all the time, with no real problems. But we’re not fine. And when things really suck, keeping it bottled up inside only makes it worse.
    It’s like in eighth grade you are too old and too young all at once. And who you feel like you are, and who you’reexpected to be are just completely opposite and wrong and maybe
that
is what this song is about.
    I am having that feeling again like yesterday where this angry energy is showing me something, the hidden door, the secret tunnel in the barn’s grain cellar, the way out.…
    I start the song over but this time I set the recording to go all the way through to the Flying Aces part to see if I can make it build and I don’t know what I’m going to do when I get there and I am not going to plan it. At least within these little wavy lines of sound I am going to be free to escape and fly above all of the stupid rules and expectations.
    I hit Record and start singing from the top, singing it just like I feel it and I don’t care if it sounds dumb or wrong or whatever.
    “You always tell me what I need to do …”
    I sing the first three verses, letting it build, getting more intense. My voice is starting to shake but also getting stronger, angrier.
    Then the song changes to the Flying Aces part and I just sprint ahead into it and I feel like I am following something or it is pulling me along or I am pushing it or I have no idea how to describe it better than that and I am practically shouting now and the words just happen and I just
go …
    “So I’ll tell you what I want
    And I’ll tell you what I think
    And I’ll tell you how I feel
    Are you ready to listen?
    F*** THIS PLACE!
    I’ve gotta break out
    F*** THIS PLACE!
    We’ve gotta break out
    Break out
    Into the sun …”
The Monster Unleashed
    The music ends. The program keeps recording, hissing in my ears like I’m drifting somewhere out in empty space.
    I feel like I’ve lost track of my body, but then I hear my breathing, fast and raspy. My throat is sore.
    And all I can think is
Whoa
.
    “Anthony?”
    I hear the muffled voice and I throw back my comforter and drop it over my phone and the mic just as my door is opening and I grab my notebook and have it in my lap and there is innocent Anthony, sitting in his bed like a perfect little son making up for the mistakes he made.
    Mom peers in. In the low red light, she can’t tell that my face is red and I’m sweating. “Were you shouting something?” she asks.
    “Just singing to myself while I was working,” I say, tryingnot to sound out of breath or like my heart is pounding