Concrete by Thomas Bernhard Page B

backs on it at the right moment succeeded in everything they did, or almost everything. This is proved by history, and there is no need to insist on it. If I were to go to Vienna now, I thought, I’d make myself sick with boredom. In no time I’d destroy what little I still have left to me. So Vienna was ruled out. For a brief moment I considered Venice, but I shuddered at the thought of having to spend months sitting in this splendid but thoroughly perverse heap of masonry, even in the most perfect place. Venice is a city to be visited for only a few days, never for longer, like an elegant old lady whom one always goes to see for the last time. My mind was now set exclusively on Palma, and on the very evening that I got back from Niederkreut, where the old man had told me of his last wish, which continued to fascinate me and to occupy my mind most of the time — on that very evening I began to think about what I should pack in my two cases, which I had meanwhile taken upstairs and left open on the chest of drawers in my bedroom. At first I packed some clothes, underclothes and shoes, bearing in mind my old principle of taking only what was essential. Only two jackets, two pairs of trousers and two pairs of shoes, I said to myself, and I got together the right ones, remembering all the time that they must be summer jackets, summer trousers and summer shoes, for in Palma it is already summer in January — or more or less summery, I said, correcting myself. People always make the mistake of taking too many clothes on a journey, half killing themselves with the weight of their luggage, and then, if they have any sense, always wearing the same things when they get there. Now I’ve been travelling on my own account for over thirty years, I told myself, yet I still always take too much at the last moment. But on this journey, which will possibly — indeed almost certainly — be my last, I thought, I won’t take too much. That at least was my intention. But I was already in two minds when it came to deciding whether to take a pair of dark brown or a pair of black trousers with the dark grey ones. In the end I put a dark grey pair, a dark brown pair and a black pair in the case. However, when it came to jackets I was in no doubt: it had to be just a grey jacket and a brown one. If it turns out that I need a so-called dark jacket in Palma I can buy one, an elegant one so to speak, although I was sure that I should have no occasion to wear a so-called elegant jacket. I shan’t be going anywhere where a so-called elegant jacket is called for. And who knows whether I shall visit the Cañellas at all in my condition? I thought. I know what is socially possible and what is socially impossible in Palma and the surrounding parts of the island. Probably the reason why I love the island is that it is full of people who are old and sick. I shall probably spend most of my time in the hotel writing my work. It was naturally not as easy to pack the second case as it had been to pack the first, for I should have needed one twice the size to get in all the things that seemed to me to be absolutely necessary for my work. In the end I stacked the books and articles about Mendelssohn Bartholdy in front of me on the table by the window in two piles; one was made up of those books and articles and other papers which were absolutely necessary, the other of those which were not absolutely necessary. At least I thought I knew which of these books and articles and other papers would be more necessary for my work than others, and in the end I actually had two equal piles side by side on the table in front of me. I packed the absolutely necessary items in the second case and still had room for some of those which were not absolutely necessary; with these I packed the case so full that it would hardly close. After I had packed my toilet articles in it too, I was able to get three books on Mendelssohn Bartholdy in the case containing my clothes. All this