Conflicting Hearts by J. D. Burrows Page A

my dark desires.
Every day I’m afraid of God’s punishment. I never feel good enough, even for
God’s love. My eyes water when Ian continues the questioning.
    “So what happened that you finally did leave?”
    My mouth blows out a puff of air before continuing the tale
of woe. “A counselor helped me to do it. I didn’t have the courage, and she
helped me find the strength to walk away.”
    “Good for her or him,” he says, sighing in relief.
    “Her.”
    “Did you file or he?”
    “I did, and he didn’t contest it.”
    “Well, at least that part of your life is over and buried.”
    My head turns, and I gaze at Ian with profound sadness. His
conclusion is far from the truth. Every insult, every belittlement, and every
time my husband yelled at me, felt as if he picked up a hammer and drove a
sharp, painful nail into my soul. By the time I left, my self-esteem had been
damaged beyond repair. I wanted to die.
    My counselor helped me to remove the nails one by one, but
all it did was leave gaping holes in the fabric of my heart. I can remember her
advice. “Even though he said those things about you, doesn’t make them true.”
    Her pie-in-the-sky statement did nothing to help me, because
by that time my brain had accepted every word as fact. How can you change what
you believe, when there is no one in your life to tell you that you have value?
When I divorced him, I was emotionally bankrupt. The account had been
overdrawn, and no deposits of kindness were being made by anyone else to fill
the void in my soul.
    Ian returns my sad gaze, and I see a curious look upon his
face as if he’s wondering about my sanity. I swiftly avert my eyes and look out
the windshield at the road. Then I throw the ball back into his court.
    “So, you next. What happened in your marriage?” I hear him
draw in a breath and look to see that his mouth has turned into a hard line.
It’s obvious that his revelation will not be an easy one either.
    “I met Susan at Harvard. We dated while in college and
before graduation from law school, we married.”
    “Sounds like you took longer than I did to make that
decision.”
    “A couple of years, yes.”
    Wise man , I think to myself. “Then what?”
    “After we wed, we wanted to relocate out west. Portland felt
more attractive than Seattle, so we both found jobs in firms out here,
purchased a house, and then spent the next few years drifting apart.”
    It’s hard for me to imagine why any woman would not stay
close to Ian. I try to wrap my head around his ex-wife, but can’t. I press for
more. “Why did you drift apart? Was it you or her?”
    “Susan is extremely career-minded, more so than I am. With
our crazy schedules and overtime, we rarely saw each other. The marriage grew
stale pretty fast.”
    “Sorry,” I say, void of any comforting words.
    “That’s life, I guess. One day I came home, and she shoved
divorce papers in my face telling me that it was over.”
    “Was there another guy or something?”
    “Yeah,” he answers with a frown. “Apparently, I had become a
bore, and her new male companion was more outgoing and adventurous.” Ian
clenches his jaw as he continues. “It was devastating to learn of her
unfaithfulness. She confessed she had been seeing him for three months behind
my back.”
    “Damn,” I reply. “Did she have…” My words trail off, afraid
to ask if she had screwed his competition.
    Ian affirms my assumption with a nod of his head. I am
dismayed. How could she do that to him? His face is filled with painful
memories. It’s difficult not to wonder if he still loves her, even though
yesterday he said he didn’t. He could have lied. While I’m thinking about it,
my mouth blurts out my pondering thought.
    “Do you still love her?” I try to sound concerned, rather
than accusatory.
    He’s quiet for nearly a minute and then turns his head and
looks at me. I’m aghast over the smoldering gaze he throws my way. It
practically melts me into the