Dad Is Fat by Jim Gaffigan

like she’s playing a tiny harmonica. She then proceeds to hum quietly to herself as if to express her contentment with her thumb. We call this the thumb hum. At this point, I’m tempted to tell her to just start a toddler folk band.
    Now that we have a new baby, we have been advised by our pediatrician that “she’s only three” and to just let her suck her thumb so she can decide on her own when to quit. I wanted to put her on that thumb replacement patch but Jeannie said we should wait until she is four. Everyone knows that a thumb sucker at age four is destined for prison.
    Toddlers are too cute to punish. They get let off so easy. They can behave abominably, but what’s the worst thing that can happen to them? A time-out? Big deal. All I want to do is take a time-out. I was recently watching a football game with Katie, and the announcer said, “The Jets have asked for a time-out.” Katie saw the quarterback talking to the coach and asked, “Why did he get a time-out?” I thought for a second and then just said, “Because he didn’t listen to his daddy.”
    You don’t have to worry about anything as a toddler. You don’t get punished, everyone spoils you, and you have no job. You are treated like a king. I always say to my toddlers, “Enjoy it while it lasts! It’s all downhill from here.”
    The more I’m around young children, the more I realize we are all just giant toddlers. I think we are always unconsciouslyseeking to return to our early childhood. This is why we go to bars. Now that I have little children, going to a bar is a completely different observational experience. Many bars have a dartboard, a pool table, and various board games. There is music, dancing, and singing along to karaoke. There are Jell-O shots, for God’s sake. Think of the last two times you had Jell-O. When you were three and when you were in that bar in Florida for spring break. Have you ever turned off the lights in a room filled with children? They immediately start screaming and acting insane. Is it merely a coincidence that lights are so low in bars? It’s just a license for adults to misbehave.
    We go to bars so we can behave like children, toddlers, really. Have you been to a bar at two in the morning? You might as well be picking up a kid at nursery school. It’s the same experience. The behavior’s the same. In both places, there’s always some strange yelling for no reason at all, “Whooo hooo! Wheeee!” or someone climbing up on a table and getting into trouble with the authorities. In both places, people break into song: “Sweet Ca-ro-line, Oh oh ohhh! Everybody! Oh oh ooo, Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-OH!” You go into the bathroom at the bar and it’s obvious some people aren’t potty trained. In both places, there’s usually someone crying, “She was my best friend! But not anymore! I want my mommy.” Occasionally, a fight will break out: “He was standing where I wanted to stand. So I punched him in the head. I want more juice.” Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor … and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.

The Evil Within
    Because I have children, I wash my hands. Of course, prior to children, I washed my hands, but now I
really
wash my hands. Surgeons would be impressed. I don’t want you to think I’m a germophobe. I’m not at all. I’m just terrified of germs.
    It begins when you become a parent. You wash your hands to protect your precious newborn from germs; then you wash your hands to protect yourself because little kids are walking petri dishes of different viruses. The only thing weaker than a toddler’s handshake is their immune system.
    Toddlers are a virus’s best friend. Viruses are usually spread by close contact and saliva. If you look up the definition of
toddler
, the first thing it should say is