Derailed by Alyssa Rose Ivy Page A

lips met his. The kiss was gentle this time. It lacked the heat of the night before. It was a kiss of sadness and regret and not of passion.
    I broke the kiss first, and he exhaled deeply.
    He brushed a tear off my cheek. I hadn’t realized I was crying.
    “Please let me make you better.”
    “Can’t you just make me forget?”
    “I need to know what you’re forgetting. It isn’t me, is it?” His eyes were wide, fearful of my response.
    “I couldn’t forget you if I tried.”
    He smiled faintly. “Okay, I’ll make you forget.”
    He pulled out a blanket from underneath a bench seat and laid it out in exactly the same spot where I’d lost my virginity to him. I followed him down to the blanket, not worrying about the tears that still fell silently down my cheeks.
    He placed light kisses all over my face and neck, his hands moving over me just as softly. He removed our clothes slowly this time, without the previous night’s urgency. We didn’t say anything, just watched each other. Ben kept his word. He did help me forget. But with his gentle lovemaking that night, he also made me remember something too—how much I loved him— and that terrified me more than any nightmares or memories could. Whatever it was that Ben and I were doing, it wasn’t casual. 
    We barely said another word to each other, deciding to go home after an hour or so of cuddling together under a blanket staring at the stars. He held my hand as he led me back to the truck, opening the door for me this time before going around.
    When we got back to his house, I walked over to my car.
    “Did I make you forget?” he asked before I could open the car door.
    “You did.” I’m sure my eyes betrayed the other emotions flooding me.
    “You could stay here tonight, you know. You don’t have to go home.”
    “Yes, I do.”
    “I wish you didn’t.” His eyes were wide and displayed everything he wasn’t saying. Staying the night would be agreeing to move things further than I could handle. Besides, there was no way I could let Ben witness my nightmares. I had to face them on my own.
    “Good night then.” He kissed me lightly on the lips before stepping back to let me get in the car.
    “Night.” I got ready to close my door.
    “Mol?”
    “Hmm?”
    “Whenever you’re ready to stay the night, the offer is open.”
    “I’ll keep that in mind.” I closed the door, pulling away from the curb before he made it to his front door.
    When I got home, I poured myself a cranberry vodka, light on the cranberry, and settled down on the couch. I needed to get to my numb place, and I needed to get there fast.
     

 
    Chapter Ten
    I moved through the motions Thursday, but I wasn’t really there. The night before, Adam wasn’t in my dreams, but Dad was. He was the one screaming for me, but I couldn’t actually hear it through the car door. Instead of a hook keeping me from the water—I couldn’t budge the door. No matter how hard I pulled, it wouldn’t give. A whistle blew, and I woke up crying hysterically. Even though it was the last place in the world I should have gone, I dragged myself down the hall into my parents’ bed just like I did as a little girl, before everything in life got so complicated.
    I thought about calling Gavin to cancel on our “friend dinner” a few times, but knew that if I did, I’d probably wind up at Ben’s, and that was a temptation I needed to resist. I knew I wasn’t good for him, but I couldn’t stay away. Every time I thought I’d pushed him from my head, his smile would show up in my mind again. Sometimes I’d think about what we’d done recently, but more often than not I’d remember something from when we dated. Usually that led to me comparing my time with him to my time with Adam, which was a horrible idea.
    “You okay, sweetie?” Gail asked after I overfilled someone’s coffee, splashing it everywhere. I knew she wasn’t asking if I got burned.
    “Oh, I’m fine, sorry for being