Dirty by H.J. Bellus Page B

parents were sent away for murder boils up. “I fucking do it for you. There’s no way in hell the bank is going to take this place because cancer has fucked you up.”
    “What is it, Zane?” He pushes, not letting a simple explanation satisfy his curiosity.
    “It’s not drugs.”
    “Then God dammit, what is it?” He grips both sides of his wheelchair, shaking in anger.
    “I fuck the rich women of the town at night.” I stand and punch the post over and over again until my knuckles bleed. “I strip on the weekends and each week night I fuck women to save this place and I thought to save you, but you don’t want help anymore.”
    “I’m tired, boy. Cancer has stripped everything from me. My livelihood, spirit, and health. I’ve been around long enough and I’m just tired, Zane.”
    “I need you,” I whisper, fighting back the tears threatening to spill over.
    Moments of silence drift between us and I’m not sure if he heard my last words or not. I told him my dirty secret and feel even dirtier now. But there was no way in hell I’d let him go to his grave believing I was following in my parents’ footsteps. Not that my sin is any less than theirs, it’s just a different means to get by.
    “I know, Zane. I’ve been blessed every single day that you have been in my life. Watching you grow up into a young man under my roof is and always will be my proudest accomplishment.” He takes a moment to steady his breath and I continue to fight back the tears. “Everything was meant to happen for a reason. You’re too good of a kid to be raised by the parents God gave you. The man upstairs handled it perfectly.”
    I drop my head in shame. “I made enough to pay off your hospital bills last night and to get current on the mortgage.”
    “Then enough. Enough of this shit, Zane.”
    “I can’t lose you or this place.” The tears finally win. Grandpa’s the only human on plant Earth to ever see me break down and cry. “I’m going to lose you. I’m coming to terms with the fact, but no way in hell will I lose this place.”
    “It’s a tiny acreage with a barn and a few horses.”
    “It’s my childhood home, it’s my history dammit.”
    “There’s more to life, Zane.”
    “Not for me dammit. This is all I have and all I fucking want.”
    “Then let it be, son.”
    “Let what be?” I throw my arms up in the air, letting the anger show through. I can’t handle this shit anymore. The fact my childhood foundation is crumbling before me and I’m doing everything to save it to be the only motherfucker that cares.
    “Life will go on. Shit changes and then a new normal sets in, you have to adapt and shift with the changes even when it hurts.” The breeze blows between us and I don’t respond to him. I know he’s coming to terms with his life and finally understanding mine, but I refuse to accept any of it. “Life will go on whether it be on this shitty-ass acreage or in town. You have to move on, Zane.”
    I crumble to my knees and don’t speak a word and don’t have to. He’s struck the final dagger to my heart to take me down for the last time.
    “You’ll be fine, boy.” He pulls another beer from his bag. “But you’ve got to start living and quit protecting this dying old man.”
    Never, I think to myself; that will never happen. He’s my life and the reason I’m here today and not a product of the foster care system.

9
    Ava
    T he sun is higher than normal and I’m still burrowed deep under the blankets. I know I should be up and checking on all the girls like my mother would be doing, even though she hired a chef and housekeeper for the summer. Scenes from last night drift through my hazy memory.
    The hangover from hell has settled in and I knew it was coming from all the dreams of being super thirsty throughout the night. My eyes drift back shut and I can only hope like hell it’s all an ugly nightmare.
    “Ava.” My shoulder rattles back and forth. “Ava, I’m getting a cup of