Eating My Feelings by Mark Rosenberg Page A

realizing that evil never dies.
    “That’s not very nice. What would your father say if he heard you talking to me like that?” she asked.
    “I hope he dies too. I hope you both die. That’s what both of you assholes should get for sending me to this horrible place. Now please tell him I love him and to call me at once!” I slammed the phone down and turned around. A figure stood in the door.
    “CARL DUMPED ME!” Leslie yelled.
    Goddamn it. I did not have time for this right now.
    Leslie was a hysterical mess. She entered her office and sat down in her chair. Suddenly, she stopped crying and began sniffing around.
    “What’s that smell?” she asked.
    “Oh,” I replied. “That’s me. I smell like shit, I know.”
    “Take a shower,” she replied.
    “Uh, I would, but I think you need me right now,” I replied, trying to dodge yet another bullet.
    “Carl dumped me and now I am all alone,” Leslie said.
    “You have me,” I replied with a smile.
    “Thanks Mark, but you’re twelve.”
    “We can still be friends though. I will console you through your hard time.”
    “You’re sweet. But I really cannot talk to you when you smell that way. Please, for the love of God, take a shower.”
    “Uh, okay,” I replied.
    “Like, now would be good.”
    “Okay. I hope you feel better. Find me if you need me,” I said as I left her office. Carl was such an asshole, treating my beloved Leslie like that. I wanted to make him pay even more now. I walked back to my bunk, bypassing the shower altogether, and entered. I saw that Anthony 2 was in his bed listening to his headphones. I shot a dirty look at him and lay on my bed. I put the soundtrack from
Clueless
in my portable CD player and began listening. Suddenly, Anthony 2 was standing over me with a CD of his own.
    “Janet,” Anthony 2 said as he handed me
Design of a Decade: Janet Jackson’s Greatest Hits
.
    “You?”
    “
Clueless
,” I replied. I took my CD out of my CD player and we exchanged discs. God bless the Italians for having good taste in music. I put the disc in and began listening. I skipped to a personal favorite, “Escape,” and suddenly was taken away by the music. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep.
    “Mark?” a voice said to me.
    “Hello? Who’s there?” I asked. A portly figure appeared in the doorway. As the figure came closer, I was delighted at who had come to visit me at camp.
    “Janet Jackson! Thank God you’ve come to get me.”
    “I’m not here to take you away on an escape, Mark. Musically yes, but literally, no.” Janet said with her signature half smile, “I’m here to teach you a lesson.”
    “DAMN IT, JANET!” I yelled. “I am so sick of learning lessons.”
    “You know, Mark, I have always had trouble with my weight. People in the media have always made backhanded comments about it, but I never let it get me down.” She paused. “What’s that smell?”
    “Oh, it’s me. I know, I know, I smell like shit. I was playing in it all day.”
    “Maybe you should shower,” Janet said.
    “Maybe you should put out a new record already!” I retorted.
    “Listen, Mark, you have a problem with your weight, and I think I can help.”
    “I know, I’m fat and I don’t want to do anything about it. My asshole stepmother is always telling me how fat she thinks I am.”
    “I’ve been watching you, Mark,” Janet Jackson said. “I like your style. But you do need to lose weight.”
    “You think?” I said as I looked down at my waistline creating a rippling double-chin effect.
    “Yes. It’s not healthy to be as heavy as you are at such a young age. When I was on
Good Times
, Florida Evans and I usedto have this talk daily. She would always tell me: ‘Janet, watch your weight while you’re a girl or you’ll end up heavy like me.’ ”
    “You know that show really went downhill after they killed John Amos off,” I replied.
    “Not the point,” Janet said. “Wait a second, I didn’t come on the show until