First There Was Forever by Juliana Romano Page A

in the world. The deepest, kindest, most interesting person I knew. It had been a rough couple of months for us, but I needed her in my life. My mind suddenly flashed on Nate, and I felt a knot of guilt in my stomach for talking to him for so long last week. I vowed I would never, ever do that again.

chapter

twenty-five

    “H ey.”
    I looked up from my laptop and Nate was standing in front of me. It was the first day back from break, and the library was uncomfortably quiet. Nate was wearing his backpack and a gray wool sweater that looked itchy. He didn’t wait for me to say anything; he just sat down across the table from me.
    “You work too hard,” he said. His cheeks were glowing next to his pale sweater. I could see the top of a button-down shirt peering out from under his sweater, and I had the impulse to reach across the table and touch it.
    “I don’t think so,” I said softly, looking back at my computer screen. “I have lots of homework all of a sudden. I’m trying not to fall behind.”
    He kind of half nodded. “Rule follower, right?” He joked.
    I wanted to laugh with him, but I couldn’t. There was something dangerous about our friendship. We couldn’t keep getting closer. Thanksgiving had reset my priorities. Nate belonged to Hailey, and Hailey was my best friend. Nate was nobody.
    I fixed my gaze on my notebook, willing myself not to get pulled in to another conversation, but I could still feel his eyes on me. Finally, I looked up at him. It made my stomach flip.
    “How was your break?” he asked.
    Nate’s expression, that mix of playfulness and intensity, stirred something inside me, but the feeling was coupled with guilt.
This can’t happen
, I wanted to tell him.
Leave me alone. Stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing to me. Do this to Hailey. She is in love with you.
    “What about Hailey?” I whispered. As soon as I said it, I regretted it.
    Nate looked surprised, and then he slumped back in his seat for a second before he placed his hands on the table and stood up to go.
    “Wait,” I said, feeling suddenly desperate. I reached across the table and put my hand on top of his. The action happened so fast, I didn’t even know where it came from. It was like instinct, or reflex. We both stared in surprise at our hands and the moment seemed to expand and stretch out. Nate’s hand felt soft and cool beneath mine. And then Nate pulled his hand away and straightened up.
    I was too embarrassed to look at him at first, but when I finally did, he had an apologetic, almost sad expression on his face.
    “I get it,” he said softly. “It’s cool.”
    As he walked away, I wanted so badly to undo everything that had just happened. I hated to see him leave.

chapter

twenty-six

    M eredith always had stories about her clothing and jewelry. Nothing she owned seemed to be bought at a mall.
    “This one,” she said, fingering a smooth, brown stone encased in a gold band, “is petrified wood from the Atlantic Ocean. It represents transformation. Touch it. It’s so smooth.”
    I reached up and fingered the stone. It was almost cold to the touch and smooth as glass. We were sitting cross-legged under a tree by lower campus.
    “I like
it,” I cooed.
    Just then I caught Hailey walking by, headphones shoved into her ears. She was wearing her heart-shaped sunglasses.
    “Hailey!” I said.
    She didn’t hear.
    “Hailey!” I called again.
    This time she heard, and she stopped walking.
    I beckoned her over, and she came, not bothering to take off her sunglasses.
    “I texted you last night—where were you?” I asked.
    “Nowhere,” she said, her voice cold and tired. “I can’t go to community service today. I have too much homework.”
    Meredith stretched one of her long delicate arms up toward Hailey. “I am just wild
about your sunglasses!”
    I sighed. “I wish you’d told me. I don’t want to go if you’re not going, and my mom isn’t coming for me until five.”
    “Sorry,”