Forget Me Not by Carolee Dean Page B

TWIN?
    Cricket was going to a
    high school ten miles away
    in another town.
    That’s when I knew
    there was no place to hide,
    there never would be.
    I was going down,
    and there was
    No. Way. Out.

BLOOD AND FEATHERS

I RUN TO THE HOSPITAL
    because I can’t stand to be at school
    and I don’t know where else to go.
    I lost Elijah on the quad,
    or else he’s decided I’m not
    worth the trouble.
    Either way, I’m relieved
    when I don’t see him following me.
    As soon as I step into the waiting room,
    I feel a crushing heaviness
    pressing down on me.
    I see my father sitting in silence.
    His laptop is closed.
    His pens put away.
    His phone turned off.
    “Ally, please don’t go,” he whispers.
    “You’re everything I’ve got.”
    Nana walks into the waiting room.
    “Did you find Alice?”
    He nods
    and I experience such a sense of relief
    that my heart could burst.
    The weight of the room
    lifts slightly,
    and I feel that I can bear it,
    bear anything,
    as long as Mom is coming
    back for me.
    Dad has been looking for my mother.
    That’s what he’s been doing all this time
    when I thought he’d just been trying
    to get in a few hours’ work.
    He finally gets it.
    He understands
    that I need to be
    with my mother.
    Thank you, Dad.
    Thank you.
    If I could go and live with Mom,
    I could start over and forget
    about the past few months.
    I could clean the slate and
    reinvent myself
    in a brand-new place.
    “When will she get here?” Nana asks.
    “She’s not coming,” Dad replies,
    and the room becomes as cold as ice.
    “Did you tell her Ally might die?”
    I hold my breath.
    He nods his head.
    And then he does something
    I’ve never seen him do.
    He cries.
    “She made such a scene when she left,” he says.
    “And Ally has hated me ever since.
    She never intended to take her, but she told her
    to start packing. Why would she do that?”
    Nana says,
    “She was acting.”

I FEEL MYSELF SLIPPING AWAY
    First my hands,
    then my arms,
    then my feet.
    Turning into mist
    as thin as air.
    I can’t stay here one minute more.
    There’s not a single place for me.
    Not at school.
    Not at home.
    Not in New York City.
    There’s only one place
    where I belong.
    I guess I’ve known that
    all along.
    The hallway.

ELIJAH RUSHES IN
    and says,
    “Don’t go
    back to that place.”
    Now it’s my heart
    vanishing into nothingness.
    All the pain is gone
    and the call
    of the hallway
    is inviting.
    He says, “The pain won’t last,
    but death is forever .
    Walk through the pain, Ally.
    Don’t turn away.”
    “You’re wrong, Elijah.
    Death is never
    having to face
    the truth.”
    The sooner I’m gone,
    the sooner everybody can
    move on.
    And I feel the emptiness
    in my mouth
    and in my brain.

A FEW MINUTES LATER
    I’m back
    on the hall,
    where I’m safe
    and nothing hurts.
    Where I’m not destined
    to be a person with brain damage
    or a disappointment to the people I love.
    The Hangman is sitting on the tiled bench,
    waiting patiently for my return.
    “I warned you,” he says.
    “It’s a cruel world out there.”
    “I know,” I tell him.
    “If you go back, the best that world
    can offer you is a life like Oscar’s.”
    He’s making it up.
    I’m pretty sure he can’t tell the future.
    And I could argue that I might
    turn out like Elijah,
    but is he really happy?
    Is anyone?
    “Besides,” he continues,
    “if you return to your
    old life, it might be worse than before.
    If you jumped off another building,
    or put a gun to your head,
    or slit your wrists,
    you might not make it back here.
    Let’s face it, you didn’t exactly
    complete the job the first time.
    This is a very special place.
    A lot of people try to come here
    but botch the job.”
    “Don’t worry. I won’t be
    going out there again.”
    “That’s good.
    It’s better for everyone that way.”

THE HANGMAN’S ADVICE
    Remember
    when you
    steal the pills,
    turn on the gas,
    sharpen the blade.
    Consider
    as you walk
    that line,
    you think