Forgive Me by Ashley Beale

my everything. His own blood related father denies getting to know him. Out of everything, that was my biggest fear. Out of everything, that was the last thing I ever actually expected from Zander.

 

     
    There is a time for silence.
    A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves
    Into their own destiny.
    And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.
    -Gloria Naylor

 
                 I give Justin a hug when I walk back outdoors and look around over his shoulders. Its as if no one even knew I was gone for twenty minutes, while I gathered myself from the aftereffects of Zander. Thinking of Zander, he isn’t even out here.
                  Once I pull away from our hug, I ask Justin how his time with his aunt was. The look on his face when he explains about their late night- well, early morning- warms me up inside. I feel bad that he never had this before but the fact he is having it right now, its pleasing. I want him to be connected to all his aunts and uncles, even my parents, but I don’t see the latter happening. At least, not right now. Not while we’re here. But now that my dad knows about him, maybe he will eventually make an effort in getting to know his only grandchild.
                  I take a seat with Justin at the bench table, sitting between him and Magnolia. Everyone seems to be caught up in their own conversation, including Justin who is talking to Rease about sports some more. Its pretty amusing seeing them connect the most. Then again, they’re much closer in age than he is with my brothers.
                  I mostly stare off into space, listening to surrounding topics but not involving myself in the conversations. I pick at the hamburger and pasta salad on my plate, but don’t dig in. My stomach has too much going on with it to fill it with food. I should, with all the beers I threw back, but all I can think about is that damn kiss, and what it meant. If it meant anything at all.
                  And where the hell is Zander anyways?
                  His lovely fiancé is at the table, talking about the wedding. He should be around.
                  But, I’m going to be selfish and say, I’m sure glad he isn’t. I don’t think I could handle seeing the two of them touching or talking right now, especially kissing, not after that.
                  I need to stop thinking about it too. I need to stop thinking in general. I hate him and I love him all in one. I’m so angry at him, but I’m understanding. And my body, well that is craving the hell out of him. Its nearly humming with desire, wanting more.
                  Once lunch is finished, all us girls clean up while the guys start in a round of horseshoes. This includes Justin, but it excludes Zander. He still hasn’t showed his face yet his pickup is outside, so I know he is still around here somewhere. Oddly enough, Emerson hasn’t said anything. Maybe she knows where he is. I want to ask, but I don’t.
                  I also want to ask if she knows Zander is Justin’s dad or not. He knew right off the bat, but it more or less could have done with his age.
                  I hear laughter down the hall and immediately recognize that it’s Faiths. She yells out, “Lexi, did you uh, have an accident or something?”
                  Scratching my head with wonder, I start heading that way with Rease and Magnolia following behind. When I get to the room I’m occupying, I immediately understand why she would ask. The bed is still covered in about four towels, with two more thrown by the door, the wet clothes adding to the pile. She looks over at me and laughs even more. “I didn’t even realized you changed until now.”
                  My face beams red with embarrassment. Really, I shouldn’t be embarrassed, but for some odd reason I am. Maybe because I