Forgiving Lies by Molly McAdams Page B

to know, I don’t want to have sex with you either, that’s why I was an asshole earlier.”
    That was a lie. I’d even freakin’ dreamed about this girl last night and woken with a painful hard-on I had to take care of in the shower, all the while Rachel flashing through my mind. And I’d lied to Mason earlier. Rachel wasn’t a bitch, though she’d definitely shown her bitchy side at our first meeting and before we got to the restaurant last night. But it didn’t take more than a handful of minutes watching her to realize it was her shield. It was her way of protecting herself. What she was hiding, I had no idea, and apparently it’d been obvious I was trying to figure it out last night. But there was something, and for some reason, I wanted to find out what it was and be whatever shield she needed.
    And that was dangerous.
    I’d been serious when I was talking to Mason about keeping focused, but he’d seen through my bullshit. I’d needed to say it to someone so I could try to get it through my head too. Anything with Rachel would be a bad idea. It wasn’t that I couldn’t have meaningless hookups; Mason and I had faced that a couple times with different groups we’d had to get into. To say we were paranoid about making sure we were still clean after being with those girls was an understatement. But from the moment Rachel had practically fallen out of her car yesterday afternoon, there was no doubting there was something different about her. There’s no such thing as meaningless when you find a girl like Rachel.
    Rachel squeezed her eyes shut and took two deep breaths in and out before opening them again. But she wouldn’t look at me.
    “Rachel?”
    “What?” she snapped.
    Shield. “Are you feeling okay, do you need something to eat or drink? I don’t have anything here but I can go get something.”
    “I’m fine.” She took one more deep breath and forced her eyes to my face. “Tell me why you thought that’s why Mason would have me come over here.”
    “It’s just something we were talking about.”
    “You were talking about having sex with me?!”
    “No! Jesus, no. We just—” I groaned and shifted my weight. “He was going over there to be with Candice and told me I needed to get laid. That’s all. Then you showed up saying what you said . . . and I just thought . . . It doesn’t matter.”
    “Okay. Look, can we get out of your apartment? I’ll go help you pick out furniture or whatever. I just don’t feel comfortable being in here with you right now.” Her chest started rising and falling quickly and I just stood there staring at her.
    I was scaring her? She was scared of me! That was fucking awesome. I couldn’t think about anything but getting to know her in every damn way possible, and I was freaking scaring her. Perfect. “Yeah, let’s go.”
    We walked in silence out to my truck, and no, it didn’t escape my notice that she stayed an awkward distance from me. As soon as she was in the passenger seat, I ran to the driver’s side and hopped in. Just as I turned the ignition she cleared her throat and looked down at her hands, which she was twisting together. “Can we just get it out there right now that I don’t want anything with you or from you?”
    I’m not going to lie; it felt like she’d punched me. But I still nodded.
    “I’m not looking for, or interested in, a relationship. It’s nothing against you. I just—I can’t—I don’t. Um, I—”
    “Rachel.” I waited until she looked up at me and again found myself wishing I could figure out what she was hiding from me. Did she have a boyfriend? Just get out of a bad relationship? “It’s fine. Nothing between us, I got it.”
    With a quick breath in, she nodded her head and forced a smile. “We kind of got off on the wrong foot, but since we’re going to be neighbors I’d like it if we were friends. I’m sorry for how I was toward you when I met you, and I’m sorry for the confusion this