Harder by Blue Ashcroft Page A

wave my hand. “I don’t want a pity party. I know how to take care of myself now, and I’m not going to just sink into things with someone like you and wait for you to kick me into the dark again.”
    “Ally, I wouldn’t—”
    “It’s like that story about that Icarus kid. That makes a lot of sense to me now. Don’t go too close to the sun. Don’t be too happy. You’ll just get burned.”
    He remains silent, and I know there’s a lot going on behind his pensive expression but I don’t know what it is and I’m not sure I want to.
    “It’s the sun that burns. It’s the happiness that hurts. It’s better to just stay in the dark. Get used to it there. It’s safer there. Go too far into the sun and you’ll just be blind when you go back to the darkness.”
    “Why do you have to go back to the darkness?” he asks softly.
    “Because I always do, that’s why! Because I’ve never had anything good that didn’t end up twice as bad in the end. So I’m satisfied with this. Satisfied doesn’t hurt anyone. I’m satisfied with my job, and I’m satisfied with our friendship, and I don’t want or need more.” I’m breathing heavily now, and I’m sure my face is red. Not a good look for me.
    “I see,” he says. But he doesn’t let me go, and he seems like he’s still searching for a loophole.
    “Besides,” I say, “I’m not attracted to you. I don’t want to be happy with you. Even if I decide to be happy again, it won’t be with you. It can’t be with you.”
    “Why?”
    “I just don’t see you that way,” I mutter.
    He might be the most dangerous sunlight of all. Blinding and painful and just too much to hope for. There must be a real monster hiding under all of that to compensate for how wonderful he is on the surface.
    No one is ever what they seem.
    “Ally, I’d never hurt you…” he says, trailing off to silence.
    “I know,” I say, pushing him away so I can open my door. “That’s what makes you not my type.”
    He backs off, slams his hands in his pockets, and watches me pull out.
    I don’t want to lose his friendship, but it was probably inevitable anyway. Better to cut things off before we both get hurt more than we already are.

Chapter 8
    I send a quick glance at Ryan as we both open our lockers and pull out our stuff for the day. He’s looking straight ahead, methodically putting away perfectly folded clothes with his huge, elegant hands. He takes a deep breath and lets it out.
    I turn back to my locker and continue rummaging till I find my sup polo wrinkled at the bottom of my locker. I need to hit the laundromat soon. I pull it on over my tank. It doesn’t smell, at least. I guess I’ll do the lifeguard shift today, not the customer service one.
    I hear him pull away and he goes to the fridge, sets something down, based on the crinkly plastic noises coming from his direction. Probably something fancy, like the fish I jousted to the floor. I want to tease him about it, want to say something and make him laugh.
    Maybe I was a bit hasty the other day. Maybe he really won’t want to be friends anymore. Too bad, I could use a friend here.
    He leaves the room, pulling his whistle over his head, tying his hair back. Every move of his is smooth, gorgeous. He’s just a tall drink of water.
    And he doesn’t want to be around me anymore. Well, we’re coworkers, so he’ll have to.
    I head to the main sup office, shove the door open a little too hard with my foot and it bounces off the wall with a loud knock.
    “Oops,” I say, grabbing for it.
    “Ally…” Rain says from her desk.
    “I know I know. Gentle.” I sidle to her desk and sit on the side of it. She glares up at me, and then breaks into a smile.
    “I heard you kissed Ryan.”
    “Yeah. Got a problem with that? We ain’t gonna make nothing of it.”
    “That’s too bad. Ryan’s a nice guy.”
    “I’m not a nice girl.”
    “Matter of opinion,” she says, moving some papers out of the way and pushing her