I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to be Your Class by Josh Lieb

over the public-address system.
     
    The lockers on both sides of the hall shudder rhythmically as I walk past them on my way back to class. My day will come.

Chapter 14:
    OLIVER WATSON’S THEATER OF THE MIND PRESENTS THREE PLAYS FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT 59
    PICK A WINNER!
     
    ( Setting: a public basketball court. Time: early evening )
     
    ( Sound of applause, hand-slapping, boys saying goodbye )
     
    OPERATIVE 919 : Hey, kid. Nice game.
    JACK CHAPMAN : Thanks.
    OP 919 : You’re Jack, right? Jack Chapman?
    JACK : I don’t know you.
    OP 919 : What’s the matter? You’re not supposed to talk to strange men? Well, I’m a strange woman, so relax. . . .
    JACK : Goodbye.
    OP 919 : I just thought you might like to see these pictures I got.
    JACK : I’m not interested in any—
     
    ( Sound of papers being pulled out of envelope )
     
    JACK : Oh my God.
    OP 919 : Here. Take a good long look.
     
    ( Sound of papers being frantically shuffled )
    JACK : Oh.
    OP 919 : That’s you, right? Picking your nose, eating your boogers?
    JACK : Oh.
    OP 919 : Sucking the scum out from under your fingernails?
    JACK : Oh . . .
    OP 919 : It’s not for me to say, or anything, but you’re a little old for that, aren’t you?
    JACK : How did you—?
    OP 919 : Besides the obvious health risk. You could give yourself a cold or something. Didja ever think about that?
    JACK : How did you get these?
    OP 919 : Funny story. I live in Turkey. Yesterday a guy calls me, tells me to get on a plane to Omaha. Had to make like five connections. So when I land, another guy hands me this envelope, along with your name, this address, and a message.
    JACK : Message? . . .
    OP 919 : “Drop out of the student-council election.”
    JACK : Why would anyone? . . .
    OP 919 : No idea. Damnedest thing I ever heard of. Anyway, now that we’re done, I’m heading back to the airport, catching the first flight home.
    JACK : Wait! Will anyone? . . .
    GIRL’S VOICE ( in distance ): Great game, Jack!
     
    ( Sound of frantic envelope stuffing )
     
    JACK ( false hearty ): Thanks, Shirelle! ( then, quieter ) Will anyone see these?
    OP 919 : Not if you drop out of the election.
    JACK : Okay. Fine. I’ll do it. I’ll do it!
    OP 919 : Try to see the upside. Now you got a reason to break a really nasty habit. So, maybe in the long run, we’re doing you a favor.
    JACK ( sighs ): Right.
    OP 919 : It’s been a pleasure doing business. Forgive me if I don’t shake hands.
     
    ( Sound of stiletto heels walking away )
     
    ( Fin )
     
     
    THEKID STAYSIN THEPICTURE
     
     
    ( Setting: teachers’ lounge. Time: mid-morning )
     
    ( Sound of teachers lounging )
     
    MOORHEAD : Hi, Lucy.
    SOKOLOV : Mmm.
    MOORHEAD : Still reading ( pronounces it correctly ) Nabokov, huh?
     
    ( Sound of book being reluctantly put down )
     
    SOKOLOV : I’m trying to.
    MOORHEAD : That’s awesome. Coffee?
    SOKOLOV : I don’t drink coffee.
    MOORHEAD : Thought you might have changed your mind. Personally, I drink way too much ( lame giggle ).
    SOKOLOV : Gee. How awful for you. 60
    MOORHEAD : Well . . . enjoy your ( pronounces it correctly ) Nabokov.
    SOKOLOV : I will!
     
    ( Sound of leather man-sandals walking away )
     
    SOKOLOV ( under her breath ): Twit. 61
     
    ( Fin )
     
     
    DANCIN’ FOOL
     
    ( Setting: a suburban kitchen. Time: late afternoon )
     
    ( Sound of someone licking the crème filling from Oreos, a window opening )
     
    LIZ TWOMBLEY : Wow! Did you just come through the window?
    THE MOTIVATOR : 62 No room is closed to me.
    LIZ : You’re funny looking.
    MOTIVATOR : Erm . . .
    LIZ : I’m sorry, that was rude. You’re not funny looking at all. I hardly noticed.
    MOTIVATOR : I suggest you drop out of the election for class president.
    LIZ : That’s so weird! I already almost did drop out, because there’s this boy who has this disease of fatness that’s killing him, but it turns out it wasn’t true.
    MOTIVATOR : I suggest you drop out—
    LIZ : But I don’t see how it’s not true,