I can make you hate by Charlie Brooker Page B

resembles Aerosmith’s Steve Tyler morphing into Jack Skellington from
The Nightmare Before Christmas
.
    And that’s the lot. Celeb BB can probably safely shuffle off into history with a mild snort, leaving we viewers to blink away the tears and try to put our lives back together. If we possibly, possibly can.
    *
     
    As you may be aware, this was not the final
Celebrity Big Brother,
because Channel Five revived it shortly afterwards. It will never, ever end. Never. Ever.

Britain’s got payback
11/01/2010
     
    So then. Following a half-hearted coup attempt, which turned out to be the equivalent of Hoon and Hewitt trying to assassinate their target by firing a rubber band at his head as he walked past the tuckshop, bookmakers say there is currently 25 per cent less chance of Labour winning the general election than there is of Kevin Keegan giving birth to a horse on St Swithin’s Day.
    The Conservatives don’t have to do much except wait patiently, gliding towards 6 May like a baleen whale with its mouth flapping open, lazily preparing to inhale an acre of krill. UnlessDavid Cameron holds a live televised press conference at which he pulls his fleshy mask off to reveal he’s been Darren Day all along, they’ve got it in the bag.
    Even a preposterous advertising campaign can’t dent the Tories. All over London, billboards depict Cameron looking you in the eye with an expression of genteel concern, accompanied by the slogan ‘We can’t go on like this’. To the observer, the overall effect is that of a man trying to wriggle out of an unfulfilling sexual relationship without hurting your feelings. Would you vote for that? Not normally, no. But when the opposition is a flock of startled, shrieking hens, your range of options shrinks drastically.
    But perhaps there’s still a glimmer of hope for Labour. I recently watched several episodes of a high-quality US comedy-drama serial called
Breaking Bad
. The storyline revolves around an underachieving, debt-ridden fifty-year-old chemistry teacher who discovers he’s got terminal cancer. But wait, it gets funnier. Realising he has absolutely nothing to lose, he decides to become a crystal meth dealer in an insane last-ditch attempt to provide financial support for his family when he’s gone. Cue plenty of pitch-black hi-jinks.
    It’s a good show. It’s also a road map for Labour. The party’s condition is similarly terminal, so it might as well go for broke by announcing a series of demented and ill-advised election pledges in an openly desperate bid to retain power. Who knows? It might just work. And if it’s having a hard time choosing some make-or-break policies, I’ll be only too happy to provide a list. Starting now.
Pledge 1: Promise to govern while wearing spandex leotards like they do on
Hole in the Wall
if elected
    On the face of it, this sounds terrible. No one wants to see David Miliband rising to his feet in a silver bodysuit so tight you can make out every facet of his groin in topographic detail. They don’t even want to read that description of it. But while it mightbe hard on our eyes, it would be uncomfortable and humiliating for the MPs. And think about it: they have to wear it every day for at least four years. They’re not allowed to take them off either, so by the end of the term the House of Commons would reek. I’d vote for that. Come on, it would be funny.
    Suggested campaign poster:
Ed Balls in horribly tight leotard.
    Slogan:
‘ SEE BALLS PUSH FOR GLORY ’.
Pledge 2: Tudor-style execution of Simon Cowell
    This would be desperately unfair on Cowell, who would be arrested, held in the Tower of London, and beheaded on live television should Labour get back in. No matter how low your opinion of
Britain’s Got Talent
, the man has clearly done nothing to deserve that kind of extreme treatment. But extreme treatment grabs headlines. And the recent Christmas chart triumph of Rage Against the Machine over Joe McElderry’s
X Factor
single