Indwell (Chasing Natalie's Ghosts) by Nicole Smith Page B

mothers’ last visit to the dentist. They may have been expired, but I had to try. I didn’t know if it would be enough so I also grabbed the remaining extra strength acetaminophen. I put my headphones on and sat down on the floor and leaned against the bathtub. I popped a few and took a sip of water. I was never very good at taking medication. I always felt nauseas when I swallowed them. I was no stranger to prescription medications though. There were numerous times as a young child I was hospitalized. I seemed to suffer from a lot of infections.
    When I was six we had moved from the mountains. We were living in another country house which we shared with a freak of a landlord who I think hated children. I was having stomach pain and my mother thought maybe I ate something bad. During the night my fever raged on and by the evening of the next day I was starting to hallucinate. She tried to cool me down by putting me in a tub filled with cold water and ice cubes. I screamed horribly as she held me in the water. Eventually I was too weak to continue screaming or to fight her.
    “Please let me out, it hurts mommy. It hurts,” I kept whispering over and over again. She finally lifted me out and laid me down on a sheet and covered me with another one. I was shaking uncontrollably.
    “Can I have a blanket, I’m really cold?” I asked, my teeth chattering.
    “No honey, you have to cool down, you’re too hot,” she had said. Later that evening she took my temperature again. She looked at it and started to pace the room.
    “Oh No, Oh No,” she kept saying. I was starting to fade. The room was turning black. I tried to find my mother. She was talking to someone on the phone. When she came back into view she had my clothes in her hands.
    “I have to get you dressed,” she said as she pulled the sheet off me and started to put on my fleece pants and sweater. I couldn’t help her. I couldn’t lift my arms or legs no matter how hard I tried. My skin hurt every time she touched me. She had my coat, mitts and a hat on me within minutes. I think she had forgotten my boots though. I was still in my slippers as she carried me out to our landlords’ car. He said he would drive us to the hospital tonight but he expected gas money in the morning.
    When we arrived at the hospital I remember the nurses quickly rushing me in. We didn’t even have to wait, I was surprised by that. I think the fact that my mother was crying and I was delusional and limp in her arms helped. I was in and out of consciousness. I can remember waking once to them stripping me down. I awoke again and they had me in another cold tub. This tub was quite large. I had thought I might drown. There was so much water in it. It didn’t seem to hurt as much this time. I faded out again. When I awoke later I was in a hospital bed. I had tubes coming out of my hand and a monitor hooked to my chest. I was told I had been sleeping for eighteen hours.
    “I guess I was tired,” I said. The nurse laughed.
    “Let me go get your mum for you. She’ll be happy to see you alert,” she said as she left the room.
    I had to hurry. Adam would be looking for me soon. I told him I was going to go grocery shopping with my mother so he left. I faked illness and stayed home. I was through the first bottle, about ten pills, now the second, it had eight. I continued until all the bottles where emptied. I was still nervous it wouldn’t be enough. I mixed the last two bottles together and swallowed them quickly.
    “Down the hatch,” I said aloud. `Maybe I’ll wash it all down with some of daddy’s moonshine,’ I thought smiling. As I stood up I wondered how long it would take. I disposed of the bottles, finished my water and went to lie down in my room. I must have dozed off because when I woke up Adam was back. He was looking down at me, with a strange look on his face. I tried to sit up but I felt the room start to spin when I moved.
    “What did you do?” Adam asked,