Let Me Tell You Something by Caroline Manzo Page B

hardworking adults, and I still love to treat them to indulgences every now and then. But if you see one of them walk by some trash on the ground at The Brownstone and not pick it up, you let me know.
    Talking about sex with your
kids may be uncomfortable,
but it’s easier than an
unplanned pregnancy.
    I’ve never understood why people think it’s hard to talk about sex with their kids. We potty train our kids, don’t we? The sex talk can be as funny, messy, and silly as toilet training. But it’s just as essential.
    The way we did it in our house was we first let the teachers at school take care of teaching the kids the nuts and bolts of sex. They get to hear all the funny stuff in a roomful of their friends, and it’s much less mortifying than hearing it from me or their dad.
    After that, Albert and I would follow up to let the kids know about the responsibility and the respect that go along with being sexually active. Al and I were always blunt and open with our kids. Once, I found a condom in Albie’s room, which told me he was either having sex or thinking about having sex. So I confronted him about it. I explained to him that I knew he was of the age to start hanging out with girls, but I wanted him to always respect a girl and never force himself on a girl. I wanted him to always treat women the way he liked to be treated, with kindness and empathy. That was the mom’s version of “the talk” with my son.
    Then I called Al and told him I’d found the condom and that it was time for him to have his version of that talk with Albie. I don’t know what Al said to him, it wasn’t ever my business. The open dialogue that we kept at home revolved around our kids respecting themselves and the people they were getting intimate with. It was never as open in my parents’ home, but that was a different time, and it was important for me to be more forthcoming with my own kids.
    As a mother, my message to Lauren was even more important. I was very matter-of-fact with her, telling her that she wasn’t a pincushion. I told her she never wanted to be the girl that guys don’t respect, the girl that guys talk about but never give the time of day. Anyone with a daughter needs to teach her that self-respect is the most important thing to have before you start to even think about sex. And teaching self-respect is something that happens in more than just one talk. You have to be vigilant with daughters. We all know how persuasive boys can be. It’s incredibly important to let a daughter know that her self-worth does not revolve around her popularity with boys.
    It’s ridiculous to pretend that your kids aren’t going to experiment with sex. Sure, some kids may not, but most of them will, and it’s up to you to make sure they know about contraception and also about HIV and other diseases. Seriously, if you do a good enough job of that talk, it’ll scare them off sex for at least a couple years.
    I was always the mother that all the kids came to with their sexual problems. Lauren would bring them to me and tell me their problems—this girl needed a morning-after pill, this girl was raped, this girl might be pregnant. I’d sit and talk to these girls and boys about their problems and then I’d take them to their parents.
    What I found most frequently was that these kids were just so terrified to talk about these issues with their own parents. And it just broke my heart to see them so alone, and so scared. Just because of sex. When I took them to their parents, it was never as bad as they anticipated. Parents were all teenagers once, and they know what goes on.
    At a certain age, there was a shift in how we communicated with the kids. I started pulling back with the boys. They’d go on spring break, and all I asked of them was a phone call each day to let me know they were alive. I never asked any questions about what they were up to. It’s