Life... With No Breaks (A laugh-out-loud comedy memoir) by Nick Spalding Page B

you’re likely to have your arm ripped out and be beaten to death with the soggy end.
    Just a friendly warning.
    If you’re unlucky enough to be like me, then the only piece of advice I can give is to examine what’s happening in your day to day life. Chances are it’s having an effect on your ability to drop off and you may need to address any issues you have before the insomnia will pack its bags and leave you feeling like a human being again.
     
    There was a client at my firm - one of the nicer ones - who ran an art gallery. He confided in me over a liquid lunch one day that he went through a period of insomnia for two years - non-stop .
    It nearly cost him his marriage, did cost him his job and made him seek psychiatric help.  He told me that every night since he has offered a small prayer to God in thanks for the uninterrupted seven hours he gets.
    My admiration of the man knows no bounds.
    I’ve been afflicted with sleeping disorders all my life. Before the insomnia came along, I used to suffer with sleep-walking when I was a boy. This isn’t as bad when it comes to your well-being. After all, you may be vertical instead of horizontal, but at least you are asleep and getting some kind of rest - even if it’s not exactly of a high quality.
    Most of my sleep-walking activities were confined to walking around the house and bumping into the furniture. There was one occasion when - according to my mother - I thought I was Batman and she found me in the living room at four in the morning attempting to climb onto the side-board.     
    She said it was dreadfully disconcerting to walk in and see me hunkered down over the fruit bowl, calling her The Joker in a gruff voice and throwing Batarangs (or rather bananas) at her from my lofty perch.
     
    You’ll be pleased to know that I’ve been sleeping fine for the past few weeks and even the birds outside have been unable to disturb me. I’m sure they’re extremely annoyed by this and are getting their revenge by crapping on my BMW.
     
     

 
     
     
    4.52 am
    21954 Words
     
     
    Slurp.
    Coffee. The insomniac’s best friend.
     
    I guess one reason why I’ve suffered insomnia in the past is because I travel a lot. There’s nothing more guaranteed to muck up your body clock than changing times zones every few hours and giving yourself a good dose of jet-lag.
    I still find it endlessly fascinating - and a bit weird - that I can leave Gatwick airport on a Monday morning, travel for twenty four hours and arrive in Sydney in the middle of the night the following Wednesday… or something along those lines anyway.
    I’ve been to lots of places over the years. Sometimes on holiday with family or friends, sometimes for work - and one occasion just to get away from everything for a week on my own.
    Exploring new countries, meeting new people and misinterpreting strange local customs is very entertaining.
    I even enjoy the process of travelling itself, from the moment I leave my house with a heavy suitcase, to the time I walk into my air-conditioned hotel room halfway across the other side of the world - tired but happy to be somewhere where it isn’t raining and overcast.
    There’s something very romantic about stepping out of your front door in the morning and being in another country by the time evening rolls around.
    The reality is often not as much fun as the fantasy, but I’ll get to that in a minute…
    Even when I’ve been pretty skint, I’ve usually managed to scrape the money together for a cheap break in Europe, or a long weekend with friends in Dublin.
     
    I’m one of those people afflicted with terribly itchy feet.
    It only takes about four months of living in England before I start looking out of the nearest window, wondering what the weather’s like in Quebec this time of year.
    In fact, as I write this, there’s a large pile of holiday brochures sitting in the corner.
    If you get bored with our little chat, by all means take a nose through and