Lost Boy by Tara Brown Page A

happened, but when I played the man speaking with the accent she panicked slightly. It's just another tool to break her." Her voice stops being so chipper when she speaks again, "I will need a near-sexual assault. I believe that's loomed over her head the entire time, and somewhere inside of her, I think she feels inadequate that Randy never touched her that way."
    I grimace, "Jane… Jesus."
    "Eli, he raped and murdered every little girl he came in contact with, apart from Emalyn and Sarah. Deep down, I believe she wonders why he never did. She no doubt wonders if something is wrong with her for him to have left her alone."
    I close my eyes, "Something is wrong with you. No child would think that."
    "You have no idea what a child will consider affection after years of neglect. Well, I guess that's not entirely true, is it?"
    My tone goes to the dark place, "Fuck you, Jane." I hang up the phone; I can't hear any more of her hateful digs.
    The Aussie accent is fine, but I will not try to hurt her further than she has already been hurt. She is a damaged girl. I shudder and turn to walk up the road to where I parked. I don’t feel cold and confident. I feel like I'm in that damned hole and I'm watching her try to find the corners of the wall where she's sitting in the dirt. I feel scared and lost. I need her hand in mine so I have a reason to not be lost again. I need her to need me too, beyond being her benefactor.
    I drive to Jane's office and sit in the parking lot, adrift in thought and mental preparation. Seeing Jane's building makes me feel dirty, instantly.
    Stuart pulls up in the SUV. He doesn’t look at me, he parks and stares at the building too. His treatment was the first one I participated in. I had drunk the Kool-Aid and believed the pseudo science behind it. I still believe, just not for myself. For Stuart's I was excited to watch a human being be healed by being submerged into the environment they had escaped.
    I had thought because I survived mine, I could survive his.
    I was wrong.
    I gave up on him, walking out in tears and agony. He understood why, but I felt a type of shame I hadn’t in a long time. He wasn’t the first person I had given up on when things got hard.
    Sitting here next to him, I vow silently, no matter what she needs, I won't give up on her. I failed her once.
    I climb out of the car and get into the truck with Stuart. We sit in the silent vehicle for a few minutes, not needing to talk.
    Finally, he speaks softly, "You have to be strong, Eli."
    I nod. I can't say that I will be, I don’t know that I'll ever be strong.
    "If she isn’t completely broken down, ruled and afraid, she might not crack." He turns and gives me a smile, "It was hard to watch me crack. You sure you got this?"
    I hate how excited he is. I sigh, "I don’t have much choice. If she doesn’t get better, I won't either. She's my only chance at redemption."
    I see his eyes fight the tears in them. For the first time he's being honest with himself. He nods, "You never walked out on me, dude. I couldn’t watch some old man…" He gags and takes a breath, "Hit you either."
    My eyes water, "We don’t know what she's seen or been through. Jane thinks she knows everything. We don’t know what's in there."
    Stuart shakes his head, "We're all the same. Scare the shit out of us and we comply. I don’t know about her, but me and Sam learned early on that we got beat less if we just let it ride."
    My stomach curdles. I shake my head, putting my hand up. He stops himself from whatever he's about to say. He takes deep breaths. He never says Sam's name. Neither of us said their names ever. I've gotten better than him at it, but in my case, Em died in an instant. She didn’t starve in front of me slowly.
    He clears his throat, "Try to stay in character for her. We have weeks before Michelle gets back."
    I pat him on the arm, still not taking my eyes from the building, "See you on the other side, brother."
    "Yes you will," he