Love, Always by Yessi Smith Page B

haven’t even heard her coo yet.
    “Amber has her.”
    “Oh?”
    Adam gets up and walks away from the screen without any explanations, but I hear him off screen talking and laughing with Amber.
    “There’s Mommy,” he says once he’s back in front of his laptop.
    “There’s my pretty girl.” I smile at her and I swear I see her smile back. “What have you two been up to?”
    “Rehearsals for tomorrow’s show. Amber took Josie to a mommy-and-me class and—”
    “A what?” I ask, jealous of this woman I haven’t yet met.
    “Mommy-and-me!” I hear her shout, and then she joins Adam and Josie on the screen. “I thought it’d be good for her to interact with other babies. The earlier Josie starts socializing, the better off she’ll be.” Amber expertly takes Josie from Adam’s arms and pats his leg before rising. “I’m gonna give her a quick bath,” she tells him without once looking at me.
    The pit in my stomach returns as I watch her leave with my baby. This is supposed to be my time with Josie, and she’s taken that away from me. I should have argued, but I don’t feel entitled. Josie is my baby, but what rights do I have when I haven’t even earned the right to be called mom?
    Adam watches her walk away with a smile on his face that tells me more than I want to know.
    “You’re sleeping with her,” I accuse, and he snaps his head back at me.
    “What?” I watch as he lowers the volume on his laptop, and I’m furious.
    “You’re sleeping with her!” I shout loudly in the hopes that Amber will hear me.
    “Yeah,” he whispers and looks around discreetly.
    “You’re fucking our daughter’s nanny?”
    “We’re not fucking, Dee.”
    “Making love then?” I ask and he blushes. Christ, Adam is falling in love with Josie’s nanny. Is he serious? “What about conflict of interest?”
    “What conflict of interest?”
    “She takes care of Josie. What happens if things go sour between you?”
    Adam runs his hands through his hair as his eyes dart around the room. “She’s a professional.”
    “Professional in what exactly?”
    Adam’s face tenses as he stares back at me. “What are you so mad about? You’re not gonna be in the hospital forever, are you? You’re eventually gonna be here to take care of Josie, so if things go sour it’s not like we’ll need a nanny anyway.”
    “I just don’t want you to get hurt,” I tell him and he looks away. There’s truth in that, but surprisingly the main person I’m worried about being hurt is me. I’m predictably selfish, but the surprise lies in Adam’s ability to hurt me with another woman. When did that happen?
    “I showed your email to Ron.” Ron is Wasted Circle’s manager and is knowledgeable in just about everything. And in the areas where he isn’t knowledgeable, he usually knows someone who is.
    “What’d he say?” I ask, not really caring for his abrupt change in conversation.
    “He’s gonna look it up, but he thinks it’s legit. He says there are lots of people who pay for blogging.”
    “Really?” I feel my heart beating behind my chest, and I don’t even try to stop the smile forming on my face. This could really happen. I could be a writer.
    “Even if it’s not legit, you should write. I did some research after I got your email, and you could write a story and self-publish.”
    Self-publishing a book. Would anyone be interested? The idea is terrifyingly thrilling.
    “You could do it, Dee.”
    I smile back at Adam, already forgiving him for sleeping with another woman. I don’t have any claims on him. How can I when my heart is still claimed by someone else? Unless I let him go. Dr. Rios focuses most of her private sessions with me on letting go. Can I let Josh go? Completely let him go? Because Adam deserves someone who would be completely his, without holding herself back. I don’t know if I can do it. And, like I said before, I don’t want to hurt Adam. Nor do I want to hurt myself. Losing Adam