Love and Lists (Chocoholics) by Tara Sivec Page A

up to Aunt Liz. “You’re a busy woman. How about you go back to your office and relax. I’ll take care of this meeting.”
    She looks up from the surveys and raises her eyebrow at him. “You know that none of those women in there are going to actually masturbate today, right?”
    Tyler crosses his arms in front of him and glares at her. “Why is everyone lying to me today?! It’s like you WANT me to cry.”
    Aunt Liz sighs and turns back to me. “Alright, I think I’ll head in there and see what’s what. A few of them emailed me questions that I need to answer. Mostly they just want to know why we made a toy shaped like a phone and called it The Telephone .”
    “Why did you make a toy like that? It doesn’t exactly shout, ‘Hey, let’s have sex!’ unless it’s designed for people who call hookers. Or maybe sex phone operators. I knew those chicks weren’t faking it,” Tyler complains.
    “Actually, Gavin should know the story around The Telephone ,” Aunt Liz says with a laugh.
    I look at her in confusion and shake my head. “No, I don’t know any story. I just know my dad surprised Mom for their anniversary with the specs for the toy. Should I know the story?”
    Aunt Liz crosses her arms in front of her and cocks her head to the side. “You seriously don’t remember telephone calls when you were little?”
    Wracking my brain to try and remember what the hell she’s talking about, I have a faint memory of my parents constantly talking about making phone calls. I guess now that I think about it, they used to always put a movie on for me and tell me they had important phone calls to make. My mom was always really busy getting Seduction and Snacks up and running so I assumed she just had a lot of business calls to make.
    “Oh my gosh, this is the best day ever,” Aunt Liz states happily. “So, yeah, when they said they were making phone calls they were really having sex.”
    I can feel all of the coffee I drank this morning churning in my stomach. I know everyone’s parents have sex. I’m not stupid. But MY parents shouldn’t have sex. My parents should have only had sex to procreate, so twice. I’m going to vomit.
    “Your dad really liked to make long distance phone calls. And pull his antennae out,” Aunt Liz adds.
    Covering my mouth with my hand, I shake my head back and forth.
    “I’m pretty sure they made a phone call in your room while you were sleeping. Maybe even on your bed when you were gone. I bet they even made phone calls in the front seat of the car while you were oblivious in the back. You know, some road calls under the steering wheel.”
    Aunt Liz couldn’t care less that I’m about to curl up in the corner, rocking back and forth.
    “Claire is so awesome. I need to see if she’ll add me to her friends and family plan,” Tyler says. “It could be worse, Gavin. You think imagining about your parents having sex is bad, try thinking about your mom masturbating. Now THAT’s disturbing.”
    Vomit in my mouth. VOMIT IN MY FUCKING MOUTH!
    “Wait, that’s not disturbing at all. Fuck, now I’m thinking about Claire flicking the bean.”
    “Hooker, the group is waiting for you in there. What’s taking so long?” my mom asks as she steps into the room and closes the door behind her.
    “Oh, nothing much. Tyler was just talking to your son about you masturbating, and I was telling Gavin about phone calls . I think he needs a minute.”
    My mom looks at me with sympathy and mutters, “Oh dear. This could pose a problem.”
    “When I was twelve, we went to Disney World and you wouldn’t let Sophie or me go in the jacuzzi tub in our room because you said dad’s phone broke in the tub when he was making a phone call. Tell me he was really using his cell phone in the tub!”
    Mom bites her lip and then winces. “If by cell phone you mean penis, then yes.”
    “OH MY GOD, MOM!”
    She shrugs likes it’s no big deal. “The maid hadn’t stopped by yet. The jacuzzi was still