Loving Her by CM Hutton Page B

surrounding Rylan, I was sure. 
    Truth was I felt like a total
loser.  It was me who let him into my house and told him he could stay the
night.  It was me who pulled him into my bed to make-out and let him sleep
there wrapped around his body.  It was me whose drunk-ass brain did a whole lot
of stupid shit the last few years that turned out to be destructive to my well-being.
 And, it was me who liked him and tried to kiss him when he clearly didn’t want
it.
    I crawled back into my bed and
just laid there.  I could still smell his cologne on my pillow and like a high
school girl I wrapped my arms around it and inhaled his scent.  I wasn’t even
sure how I felt about him. 
    My phone rang, startling me.  I
jumped up to answer it, hopeful it was him, but saw that it was Emily and my
heart sank as I answered.

Chapter 12 – Rylan
    Oh, God!  I just ran out on her. 
What the hell was wrong with me?  Jen was being pretty amazing, considering all
the emotions surrounding the last twenty four hours.  I mean, making breakfast for
us; for me just felt so right, but it scared the hell out of me.  I just
split.  I couldn’t do it. So when it sounded like she had other things to do, I
took advantage of it and ran away like a coward.  I didn’t even bother to stay
and eat a bite of the breakfast she made.  What a fucking pansy! 
    If I were honest with myself, I’d
say that I had feelings for this amazing woman, but the whole thought of ‘feeling’
anything for anyone had me a little sick.  Even after five years without
Kristen, I still didn’t know if I was ready open up and share a significant part
of myself with someone.
    By the time the cab dropped me off
at my house, I felt desperate and completely out of sorts.  I wanted to race
back over to Jen’s and just talk to her.  I had so much I needed to say, but
didn’t know to how share my life with her.  She didn’t deserve the burden of my
past, but God help me, I couldn’t stop thinking about her…wanting her. 
    I called her phone, not really
knowing what to say, but it went to her voicemail.  Hearing her voice made me
smile, but I decided not to leave a message since I really didn’t know what to
say.  After several minutes of pacing my kitchen floor, I decided to text her;
thanking God I’d thought to get her number.
    Rylan:
    Hi.  I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t
    have left this morning.  Can
we talk?
    I sucked!  I had nothing to
explain my life, my actions, my attitude….my feelings.  I just hoped she would
except my apology and call me. 
    I went for a long run, but
couldn’t help checking my phone every five minutes.  Mile after mile, I could
still taste her kisses and feel her body next to mine and it was driving me
fucking mad.   She had a hold on me and it felt good for the first time in
years.  I just had to find a way not to fuck it all up and the only way that
was going to happen, was if I told her the truth.
    I ran back to my house at a
little faster pace, hoping to shower quickly and go over to Jen’s to talk to
her.  I wasn’t sure what I would say, but I wanted to spend some more time with
her.   She never answered my text and didn’t try to call back.  It was complete
silence….for hours and I hated myself more and more as the minutes ticked by.
    She needed to understand me and
what all my hang-ups were, but I wasn’t sure how to handle it.  She was so
self-assured and confident and I was a mess of emotion, loaded with an enormous
amount of baggage.
    All I could do now was push all
the crap aside, drive to her condo and beg her to see me.

Chapter 13 – Jen
    “Jen, you knew he was cold and
distant.  Why the hell did you let him up last night and get involved with the
guy?  I mean, shit girl!  Are you just a glutton for fucked up men or what?!?”
    “Thanks, Em!  That’s exactly what
I needed to hear!  Good, God…..you don’t have to be such a fucking bitch to
me!  I’m already kicking myself as it