MASH 14 MASH goes to Moscow by Richard Hooker+William Butterworth Page B

service, prior to forming Mother O’Reilly’s Irish Stew Parlors, International, Mr. O’Reilly served as Company Clerk of the 4077th M*A*S*H. His ability to sometimes read minds had earned him the appellation “Radar.” Now, of course, only his intimates and high muckety -mucks of the fast food racket dared to so address him.)
    “I called your office, George,” Radar said, “just as soon as it happened. They told me you were over in the White House. I didn’t believe that for a minute, of course. That’s one of those whatcha -call-’ ems … scurrilous allegations.”
    “What was on your mind, Radar?”
    “You wouldn’t believe who called up here, George. At first I thought it was Boris playing one of his lousy practical jokes. But it was him, all right. I talked to him myself. There’s no mistaking that corn-pone voice.”
    “As a matter of fact, Radar, I am at the White House,” the senator said.
    “I’m really sorry to hear that, George;” Radar O’Reilly said. “Until you told me that, I thought you were different. But now you’re just like the rest of them—once you get elected, he stops being all those rotten things you called him during the campaign and starts being Our Distinguished Leader.”
    “Radar, we must all make sacrifices for our beloved country. Certainly, you know me well enough to know how I loathe and detest being in the same room with him.”
    “Then what are you doing there?”
    “Our country calls us all at one time or another, Radar,” the senator said.
    “I went to Korea,” Radar said. “Now it’s somebody else’s turn.”
    “At the moment, to be specific, it’s calling Boris.”
    “Boris? Don’t be silly. The only reason he got an honorable discharge the first time was because he had all those medals.*”
    (* During his military service, Boris Alexandrovich Korsky-Rimsakov (a/k/a Bob Alexander) was awarded the Distinguished Service Cross, the Silver Star, two Bronze Stars and five Purple Hearts, as well as the Korea Order of the Tae- Guk . He was never awarded, however, the Good Conduct Medal, nor was he ever promoted above Private First Class.)
    “They don’t want him to go back in the army, Radar,” the senator said. “They want him to go to Moscow.”
    “There’s no way he’s going to do that willingly,” Radar said. “At least, not unless they give him back Uncle Sergei’s theater and fifty years’ back rent.”
    “I thought perhaps we might prevail upon Kris to intercede in the matter,” the senator said.
    “For a Democrat? You’ve got to be kidding, George.”
    “I am solemnly informed it’s quite important.”
    “You mean he’s not smiling?”
    “When he informed me of this matter, I couldn’t see as much as a bicuspid,” the senator said.
    “Well, then, maybe I better ask Kris,” Radar said. “She was well on the road to recovery before El Teetho called up—then she got sick to her stomach again.”
    “That’s certainly understandable,” the senator said. “But I would be grateful if you would bring the matter up with her.”
    “Hold on, George,” Radar said. “Hey, Kris, are you still throwing up, or can you talk to George? You won’t believe where he’s calling from, and what he wants.”
    “Is that you, George?” A gentle feminine voice came on the line. “Did Robespierre tell you who telephoned here before?”
    “As a matter of fact, Kris, I’m with the individual to whom you refer at this very moment.”
    “Oh, George, tell me you haven’t gone over to the enemy!”
    “I am here under the flag of truce,” the senator said. “It is what is known as making a sacrifice for one’s beloved country.”
    “I suppose you’re right,” she said. “But couldn’t you have done it over the telephone?”
    “The question is moot,” the senator replied. “I am here. The next question is how can we get Boris to go to Moscow?”
    “If they’re not willing to give him Uncle Sergei’s theater back, I’m afraid he