probably end up getting hungry just before bedtime then , ” I said as I stepped passed him into our home.
Zach laughed. My heart broke.
I sat at the dining table and ate the pasta from our favorite Italian restaurant, barely tasting a thing. Every night, every moment of the day I contemplate telling Zachary about my affair. I hated lying to him. Every night, I chickened out.
“ What are you doing ? ” I asked him, seeing him frown at the computer screen. He sat with me at the dining table with his laptop.
“ I heard there was a wine festival happening in Solvang this weekend and I was thinking we could go . ”
“ What about Lilian ? ” I asked.
“ She is having a sleepover at the Parke r’ s this weekend . ”
“ So why are you frowning ? ”
“ Well, almost everything is sold out. The only place left has rooms for three-hundred-fifty dollars a night . ”
I waited. If I told him it was fine to spend the money and to be romantic he would do it. I did n’ t want to have to tell him that it was okay and decided to leave it up to him. Money was n’ t an issue for us. It had n’ t been for a long time.
I rolled the pasta around my fork and continued to eat. I wondered what Warren would be eating, if he would just make a sandwich or order pizza.
I listened to Zach click around on the computer with the mouse buttons and wondered if he was booking the room. I realized I silently hoped he would. Give me a reason to fight for us, I thought. Give me a reason to be with you instead.
Tears prickled the corner of my eyes as I thought my cruel thoughts. It was n’ t his fault, I chided myself. It was n’ t his fault I was having an affair.
Minutes ticked by.
I thought of a weekend away with him in the small picturesque town. I would buy new lingerie and make a weekend of it. It could be our new honeymoon.
“ Not hungry ? ”
He snapped me out of my daydream that I did n’ t even realize I was having. I saw the computer shut in front of him and he looked at me.
“ Just tired , ” I responded .“ What happened with Solvang ? ” I asked reluctantly.
“ I could n’ t find anything else , ” he said.
My throat tightened up and I fought back the tears. I just nodded and got up from the table.
He did n’ t say anything else and went to the sofa where Lilian sat and watched tv with her.
“ If yo u’ re tired, why do n’ t you take a bath and I’ ll put Lilian to bed tonight ? ” Zach spoke without looking up.
I picked up his socks and shoes from behind the sofa with a sigh and took them to our room, thinking about a bath .“ No, tha t’ s okay , ” I said as I came back down the hallway and back into the kitchen.
As I washed the dishes that were stacked in the sink I thought about the diner and Warren. It was never just an affair. Each time I thought about his text my heart races in anticipation. It meant more to him and that should scare me, make me run. Instead, I felt my lips curve in a smile. A part of me wondered what he was doing right now.
“ I’ m going to go to bed , ” Zach called out from the sofa.
“ Right now? I t’ s only 8:30 . ” I frowned. We used to stay up late together but it had been years since then. Yet, on nights where he went to bed especially early I felt especially lonely.
I dried my hand on the dishtowel and wiped down our charcoal gray granite counter-top as I listened to the soft footfalls of my husband. I felt myself pause mid-wipe in anticipation. Then, I heard the soft click as our bedroom door closed and I wiped the tear that had escaped.
“ Alright munchkin. I t’ s past your bedtime . ”
I looked down at my daughter who laid on our couch half-asleep.
“ W e’ ll skip your bath tonight , ” I said, half-laughing.
I carried my six year old to her overly pink bedroom and sat with her until she fell asleep. As I watched her lips turn into a pout in her sleep I smiled and brushed her soft curls back from her round face. I sat there