More Than Her by Jay McLean

guilt to carry. It has nothing to do with me or who I am. And so what if it happened," I shrugged, "I lived through it. And that asshole went to jail, my dad — Alan — made sure of it. He made sure he wasn't going to be out there, possibly having more kids to beat on."
    It was silent for what seemed like forever. Then finally, she spoke, "God, Logan. You were just a kid..." Another round of sobs took over her. I placed my hand on the back of her head and held her to me as I listened to her cry. There was that same fucking ache in my chest, and I don't exactly know what it was. But it was this moment — this exact moment — with her in my arms, that I felt something. Something I'd never felt before. Ever.
    And I got it. I got why Jake wanted to be a rock for this girl. Why he wanted to make sure that she was never hurting, or that she was never sad. I got why he'd do anything to make sure she was okay.
    Because I felt it too.
    Her sobs grew silent but her tears still fell. Her head lifted from my chest. I moved the hair away from her face. Then she looked up at me, her eyes huge. Expectant. Waiting. For me to say something — anything — that would let her know that it would be okay. That we would be okay. "Micky..."
    She sniffed once. I took in her face, and then looked into her eyes, my gaze dropped to her mouth quickly before I spoke. And I don't know why the next question came out, but it did. "Does Jake know you're here?"
    She slowly shook her head no.
    Then suddenly, the smoke alarm went off.
    We pulled apart and were on our feet so quickly, my head spun.
     
    ***
     
    She didn't end up cooking dinner. In fact she left pretty much straight away. It was awkward after that, or at least I felt awkward, but it could have just been in my head.
    After I cleaned up the mess in the kitchen and put away the groceries, I headed to the pool house for the night. I lay on my bed for I don't know how fucking long, thinking about what ever the hell just happened with Micky, and wishing that some of it, any of it, actually made sense.
    I pulled out my phone to look at the time; it was almost nine. There was a text from Amanda at 5:05.
     
    Amanda: Okay? I wish you would have told me earlier. I would have organized a ride home. Can you call me if you get done before 7? I can't get home until then. Hope you're okay.
     
    Shit. I felt like the biggest asshole in the world.
    Fuck, I was the biggest asshole in the world.
    I was about to the tap the screen to call her, but then I thought about what I was going to say, and I panicked.
    The thing was, I really, really liked Amanda. And yeah, we could have gone out a few times to see how things went...but I didn't want to do that to her. Not then. Not when I didn't fucking understand my feelings for Micky. Because Amanda, she was great. She was more than great. She was amazing. And she deserved to find someone that was going to treat her like that. And back then, that wasn't me. Not even close.
    I sat up in bed and looked at my phone, trying to play out the words I was going to use when I told her all this. Except nothing came to me. Nothing at all. Not. one. single. fucking. word.
     
    I didn't call her that night, or the night after. Or any of the nights after that.

FOURTEEN
-Present-
     
    Logan
     
    I went back into the party, and drank. Because really? What the hell else was I going to do?
    I was drunk.
    Girls approached me but I made it clear I wasn't interested. I could still smell her fruity perfume on me and I didn't want another girls scent to cause it to fade.
    If you asked me where my balls were right now, I'd tell you she has them. Probably in her pockets while that asshole was making his move on her. I'd say to that asshole, 'Suck it, dude. She has my balls.'
    "What?" Lucy laughed from next to me. She was as wasted as I was.
    "Huh?" We were laying in a trampoline in the back yard. I have no fucking idea why Jake and Micky have a trampoline.
    Lucy laughed again. "You just said