My Perfect Life by Dyan Sheldon Page B

again, possibly to put on her mascara; possibly to check her supply of venom. “I mean, they do spend an
awful
lot of time together, don’t they? They don’t really have any other friends… And neither of them has ever had a boyfriend…”
    I gasped out loud. As far as innuendo went, it seemed to me that Lola came a pretty poor second to Carla Santini. No one heard me gasp, though; there were quite a few gasps out by the sinks.
    The girl who didn’t think Sam was a Neanderthal butted in again. “I thought Lola was going out with Sam,” she said. “They spend a lot of time together, too. And I’ve seen the way he looks at her.”
    Carla laughed. “Maybe that’s what Lola wants everyone to think. Maybe he’s just a beard.”
    “Beard?” said someone else. “Sam doesn’t have a beard.”
    Carla was amused. “Oh, no, I mean
a beard
. You know, like a disguise.”
    “You know… You may have something…” It was Marcia. “I mean, to never have a date … and…”
    One of the other girls laughed, too, but her laugh was nervous. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying? You think Lola and Ella—”
    I sat there like a cube of ice. What was my mother going to say when this rumour reached her ears? Because it would. Someone would tell her mother; and her mother would tell someone else’s mother; and someone else’s mother would tell my mother. My parents are liberal, but only to a very limited degree.
    “It all makes sense, doesn’t it?” said Alma. “I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sam Creek was that way, too. He’s never dated anyone either.”
    “That’s because he never speaks to anyone,” said the girl who thought Sam was cute.
    “That’s my point exactly,” said Carla. “He’s a social deviant.”
    “What’s a social deviant?” asked the girl.
    It wasn’t Carla who answered. It was someone who hadn’t spoken before.
    “A social deviant is someone who doesn’t obey the laws of Carla Santini, that’s what a social deviant is,” said Lola Cep.
    I was so surprised that I forgot about my mother and Carla being mad at me – all that stuff – and stood up with a lot more sureness now that I was motivated by curiosity and not paralyzed by terror.
    Lola was leaning nonchalantly against the door (just out of camera range), and Carla was in the centre of the group at the sink. Carla had a lipstick raised in her hand but her lips were clamped shut.
    “And as for suspicious liaisons…” Lola must have been listening for quite a while. “If there’s anyone who’s a couple around here, it isn’t me and Ella. I mean, think about it, Carla. You with your stunningly empirical mind can surely see the logic in this. Not only are you and Alma thicker than coagulated blood, but neither of you ever date the same person more than twice.” She laughed girlishly in a perfect imitation of Carla Santini at her most charming. “I mean, what do you think Freud would say about that? Talk about beards! You two could be the Smith Brothers.”
    There was a spray of giggles, though none of them from Carla or her friends.
    “Oh, how droll…” cooed Carla, and she turned back to the mirror to finish her make-up.
    It was the perfect moment. Smooth and graceful as a trained killer, I rose over the door and pressed the button.
    I couldn’t believe I’d done it! I wanted to whoop with joy. I’d done it and no one had noticed a thing. I crouched back down to wait for everyone to leave. I wanted to hug myself, but I was afraid I’d fall off the toilet. So I gave the camera a kiss.
    Which was when I realized I’d left the lens cap on.
    “Let’s look on the bright side,” Lola said later. “At least you didn’t fall down the bowl.”

More gauntlets
    The call from Dr Alsop came right at the start of English. I’d never been called to the Principal’s office before, and I didn’t want to go. Lola, of course, wanted to go, but Mrs Baggoli wouldn’t let her.
    “I was told to send Ella, not