Nolan: Return to Signal Bend by Susan Fanetti Page B

enough to trust in it.
     
    Vega had taken all that away. And he’d taken even more since. Nothing would make sense as long as he drew breath.
     
    Nolan knew that to be true as well. Ten years had not made it any less true.
     
    He pushed the bottle of Jack away. “I’m heading out.”
     
    Len laid a much gentler hand on his arm. “Nolan.”
     
    “I heard you. I just need to ride.”
     
    Len nodded and let him go.
     
     
    ~oOo~
     
     
    The cold was harsh, and even wearing hardcore winter riding gear, after an hour or so, Nolan thought he would find himself in trouble if he rode much longer. He turned back and headed for Signal Bend while his mind was still having a riot inside his skull.
     
    Most of the town was at the clubhouse—the lot was full, the SBC lot was full, and cars were parked on the road, too. Nolan didn’t want to go back to the party, which by now would be in full swing. In fact, as he rode past the turnoff, he could hear the thump of music coming from the clubhouse.
     
    For a minute, he thought he’d just go home instead and crash in his room. But that felt lonely. He hadn’t worked his head out, and he didn’t want to be alone with the thoughts that were making his stomach so sour—not while he was sitting still.
     
    Without thinking about it, he took the turn that would bring him to Show and Shannon’s house. He knew that Loki and most of the other Horde kids were there, and that Iris was watching them. Hanging with the kids sounded safe and comfortable.
     
    It didn’t occur to him to wonder if Iris would want him there until he was already parked and walking toward the house.
     
    It was a big old farmhouse, like most of the houses the Horde lived in. All the lights seemed to be on, and Nolan paused and looked up. A house at night, with the lights glowing yellow from all the windows, had always made him feel an odd, almost cozy melancholy. All that nightwalking he’d done as a kid, and the nightriding he did now, whenever he saw a house like this, he’d feel both isolated, like the outsider he was, and hopeful. The thought of a family snugged into their house for the night made him feel a deep kind of want.
     
    Music was blaring from the house, too, and Nolan saw the kids bouncing around in the living room window. As he stepped onto the porch, he sidled over that way and peeked in, trying not to be noticed.
     
    They’d shoved all the furniture off to the side, and Iris had all the kids, even the three- and four-year-olds, arranged in three rows. She and Gia were teaching them to line dance. Even Lexi, with her bum leg, was dancing—in fact, it looked like Lexi was helping teach, calling out moves with Iris and Gia. The Tractors’ ‘Baby Likes to Rock It’ was making the windows rattle.
     
    Iris was dressed in clingy black pants, like sweats or yoga pants, and a bulky hoodie from her college. She and all the kids had on little plastic cowboy hats, like party favors, and they were doffing them as they danced.
     
    He watched her and the kids moving around, dancing and laughing, messing up and starting again. He watched Loki, Ian, and Joey acting like dorks, clowning around like they weren’t trying to do it right just as hard as everybody else.
     
    Little Caroline, only three, was really getting into it, swiveling her little hips like a hula dancer and flinging her wild red curls all over the place.
     
    But Nolan’s eyes kept coming back to Iris, watching her hips move gracefully. His reaction to that was…visceral.
     
    The song ended, and the kids all shouted for more, so Iris started the music over.
     
    As he watched, Nolan felt lonelier than he could remember feeling. He would be an intruder in that lighthearted scene.
     
    His throat got tight, and his eyes burned and itched. Fuck! He was not going to stand out on this freezing porch any longer and look in from the outside like some kind of beggar. And he was not going to fucking cry about it. Jesus.
     
    He turned