Ostrich: A Novel by Matt Greene Page A

Berry Strudel, there is now Fruits of the Forest). This is a big improvement, because now, instead of having applied the brakes because they saw a light go red, the students are applying the brakes because the lights are changing, which means they are living in the moment.
    However, seizing the moment is not the same as anticipating the next one. The magical thing about Commentary Driving is when the words overtake the actions and you start talking about what you’re planning to do, stuff that hasn’t even happened yet. The second Dad hears a student talking about what’s going to happen at the end of the street he knows they’re going to pass their test. This is because now they are commentating on The Future, which is exactly what Dad means by Lifting Your Vision.
    When I first used to get déjà vu I thought it meant I had lifted my vision. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how powerful that made me feel. (It made me think I could live forever.)
    The Christmas after Miss Farthingdale wrote in my report that I had No Future like the English Language I spent a lot of timetrying to figure out what she’d meant, which is why on our first Friday back at school in the new year I missed my bus home. When the bell rang at the end of her lesson and the rest of the class bottlenecked at the classroom door, I remained seated.
    “Why did you say I had no future like the English language?” I asked, once my classmates had decanted themselves, giggling, into the weekend. Miss Farthingdale was at her desk, packing a briefcase full of Days in the Lives. When she looked up, she didn’t seem at all surprised to see me.
    “Because,” she replied, “you’re an extremely capable young man, but if you can’t get your daydreaming under control you’ll never come close to realizing your potential. I’m sorry if you felt I was being unfair, but if I didn’t hold you to a higher standard than some of your classmates, then I’d be doing you a grave disservice. Do you understand?”
    I did, but that wasn’t what I’d meant. I meant why did the English Language have no future. “Is it to do with China?” I asked.
    This made Miss Farthingdale laugh and call me a curious boy (which is a double entendre).
    Then she took out some chalk and wrote the words
I’M THERE
on the blackboard.
    “Does that make sense to you?” she asked.
    “Yes,” I replied.
    “Why?”
    “Because I’ve heard people say it.”
    “Because you’ve heard people say it,” said Miss Farthingdale, swilling my answer around her mouth like she was takingthe Pepsi Challenge. “In other words, it makes sense because it’s familiar?”
    “Right.”
    “But it shouldn’t make sense, though, should it? Not if you think about it. Are you thinking about it?”
    “Yes,” I said. And then I started to think about it.
    “What tense is the verb?” asked Miss Farthingdale.
    “Present.”
    “And what does the present tense mean?”
    “Now.”
    “Exactly.” She smiled. “And how could I be
there
now?”
    I thought about the question for a minute. When I spoke, it was because I knew I hadn’t for too long. “Is that a rhetorical question?”
    “Are all unanswerable questions rhetorical?” asked Miss Farthingdale.
    “Yes.”
    “Then yes, it was,” she said. “Where was I?”
    “There.”
    “Exactly right,” said Miss Farthingdale. “But that was then and this is now. And there’s only one place I could possibly be now, isn’t there? And, I’ll give you a clue, it isn’t
there
.”
    “Could you say that again?” I asked, because I needed some time to catch up.
    “Did anyone ever tell you the world doesn’t revolve around you?” said Miss Farthingdale.
    “Sorry,” I mumbled. “I’ve got waxy ears.”
    “Don’t be sorry. Answer the question. Did anyone ever tell you that?”
    “Yes. My mum.”
    “Well, guess what. She was wrong. It’s precisely
because
the world revolves around you that I can promise, without fear of contradiction,