Peacekeepers by Walter Knight Page B

dumb-ass Mountain Storm again. “We should have taken him out a long time ago.”
    “You were the one supplying him with guns and cruise missiles,” I reminded. “Next time he comes to town, shoot him!”
    “It’s not that easy,” said the spider commander. “Mountain Storm is a leading citizen now, a pillar of the community. He even joined the Rotary Club. There is even talk of Mountain Storm running for Regional Governor. Democracy! I blame you human pestilence for that bright idea.”
    “Just shoot him,” I repeated.
    “I will give that serious thought,” promised the spider commander.
     
     
    * * * * *
     
     
     
    The election rumors were true. Mountain Storm decided the best way to deal with his mounting legal issues was to seek election for the post of Regional Governor. Once elected, Mountain Storm planned to pardon himself of all crimes and debts, past, present, and future. Mountain Storm’s main problem was that the democracy experiment was a relatively new concept to the Arthropodan Empire. No one had experience running for major office. To do research on how to conduct a proper election campaign, Mountain Storm studied human history on the database. He found valuable information from studying American presidential campaign promises and speeches, and wrote down notes on index cards for what to say to the public. It was clear from research that the media would play an important role in the campaign, so he scheduled a press conference with one reporter and a small audience. Public speaking made Mountain Storm nervous, but he hoped the answers on his notes would get him through the press conference as well American Presidents of past years.
    “Mr. Mountain Storm, tell us about your decision to run for Regional Governor,” started the reporter. “What will you bring to the Office of the Regional Governor?”
    “I am not a crook,” replied Mountain Storm, nervously reading from one of his cards that seemed to fit the question. “If elected, I will win!”
    “Which wing of political thought do you most represent?” asked the reporter. “Do you consider yourself a Monarchist or a Progressive?”
    Mountain Storm was ecstatic. He had seen the answer to that very question in his notes. This was going to be easier than he had thought. “Assuming either the left wing or the right wing gains control of the North Territory, it would probably fly around in circles,” he replied triumphantly.
    “Surely you are joking?” asked the reporter. “Jokes are no laughing matter,” said Mountain Storm, finding that answer on the very next card. “This is getting painful,” commented the reporter, sighing. “I feel your pain!” said Mountain Storm, instantly. He had memorized that one from one of the great human pestilence leaders. “Do you feel the Empire should expand its limited social safety net?” asked the reporter. “I will not rest until every child in America gets a free lunch and free health care,” answered Mountain Storm proudly, really getting in to this political stuff.
    “We don’t live in America,” advised the reporter.
    “In the Empire too,” added Mountain Storm, tearing up that last card, and tossing it aside. “Quit trying to trip me up. I know where you live.”
    “You have led an interesting life,” continued the reporter. “Tell us about your personal rags to riches story. Many may find it hard to identify with someone so rich as yourself.”
    Mountain Storm flipped through his cards. “I am sorry, but I do not have an answer for that one.” “Just ad lib it,” suggested the reporter. “Speak from the heart. We want to get to know the real you.” “I was raised dirt poor, now I’m filthy rich,” said Mountain Storm. “And I like it!” “Perhaps we should let our audience ask a few questions,” suggested the reporter. “This should be interesting.” “Mr. Storm, what is your position on campaign finance reform?” asked a young female spider. “Some suggest