you could use it.â
âAs if I could afford it.â
âSeriously, Pip. This is totally fucked up. Are you even thinking about what Iâm feeling?â
âLast I checked, you were readingââ She picked up his book. âGramsci.â
âIf youâre pulling shit like this with other people, people who arenât looking out for you, youâre not doing yourself any favors. I donât like what it says about your impulse control.â
âI know. Iâm abnormal. Itâs like the refrain of my life.â
âNo, youâre great. Youâre wonderful, I mean it. But stillâseriously.â
âAre you in love with her?â Pip said.
He turned back from the door. âWhat?â
âAnnagret. Is that what this is about? Youâre in love with her?â
âOh, Pip.â His look of pity and concern was so pure that it almost overcame her distrust; she almost believed she had no reason to be jealous. âSheâs in Düsseldorf,â he said. âI hardly even know her.â
âRiiiiight. But youâre in touch with her.â
âTry to listen to yourself. Try to see what youâre doing.â
âIâm not hearing a no.â
âFor Godâs sake.â
âPlease tell me Iâm wrong. Just say Iâm wrong.â
âThe person I want is Marie. Donât you understand that?â
Pip squeezed her eyes shut, trying to understand it while also refusing to. âBut Marieâs with someone else now,â she said. âAnd youâre in touch with Annagret. You donât even know youâre in love with her yet, but I think you are. Or you will be soon. Sheâs the right age for you, right?â
âIâve got to get some air. And you need to leave my room.â
âJust show me,â she said. âCome show me Iâm wrong. Just hold my hand for a second. Please. I wonât believe you otherwise.â
âThen youâre going to have to not believe me.â
She drew herself into a ball. âI knew it,â she whispered. The pain of jealousy was delicious in comparison to the thought that she was simply being crazy. But the thought was getting stronger.
âIâm heading out,â Stephen said.
And he left her lying on his bed.
TUESDAY
She texted in sick to work, pleading stomach sickness, which wasnât totally a lie. Around ten oâclock Marie came knocking on her door, asking her to say good-bye to Ramón, but the slightest movement of Pipâs body reminded her of what sheâd done the night before. When Marie came upstairs a second time and ventured to open her door and look in on her, Pip could barely put any voice into the words go away .
âAre you all right?â Marie said.
âPlease go away. Please shut the door.â
She heard Marie approaching her and kneeling. âI wanted to say good-bye,â she said.
Pip kept her eyes shut and said nothing, and the words that Marie then poured down on her were devoid of sense, were just blow after blow on her brain, a torment to be endured until it stopped. When it finally did stop, it was followed by the worse torment of Marie stroking her shoulder. âWonât you talk to me at all?â she said.
âPlease, please, please, go away,â Pip managed to say.
Marieâs reluctant departure was yet another nearly unendurable torment, and the sound of the door closing didnât end it. Nothing could end it. Pip couldnât leave her bed, let alone leave her room, let alone go outside, where the strong sunlight of another hideously perfect day might honestly have caused her to die of shame. She had half a bar of dark chocolate in her room, and this was all she ate all day, taking one bite and then lying completely still to recover from the reminder that she had a physical selfââso visible , so visible ,â as her mother had said. Even to cry would