Regret Not a Moment by Nicole McGehee Page A

not respond immediately. It was difficult to articulate her emotions. There was fear… of loneliness, of emptiness. There was longing for John Alexander. There was bewilderment at his hasty return to New York, at his failure to appear for the hunt. There was depression that she might never know love. There was even a certain—she hated to admit it, even to herself, but there was a certain desperation in the way she felt. As though she would never find someone to love. As though she was being punished for refusing the many offers of marriage that had come her way.
    “Grace… I’m scared,” Devon said, silent tears beginning to make their way down her bruised face.
    “Scared? Of not getting better?” asked Grace, bewildered.
    “Not that,” said Devon, reaching for a handkerchief and gingerly blotting the tears from her sore face.
    “Then what? Are you afraid to ride again?” Grace could not imagine such a thing, but she could not imagine anything else that could evoke such sadness in Devon.
    “Grace… it’s something else. Promise you won’t tell Mother and Father?”
    “Of course, if you don’t want me to.” She made the cross-my-heart gesture they had used since childhood.
    “I’m afraid I’m never going to know what it’s like to be in love—and have a man love me.”
    “Devon, that’s ridiculous!” exploded Grace, surprise jerking her body erect in her chair. “How could you think such a thing? You’ve refused so many men. You could have any man you want.”
    “Not any man,” Devon said quietly, trying to hold back the tears. She would not meet her sister’s eyes. Instead, she looked down at the comforter and picked at it in a childish gesture of nervousness.
    “Are you talking about someone in particular?”
    Devon knew that confession would be painful, but she needed the release. “Yes, I mean someone in particular,” said Devon, raising her eyes to meet Grace’s. “I don’t know if I’m in love with him. I don’t see how that’s possible. I’ve only known him a few weeks.”
    “What are you saying? That there’s no hope with this man?” asked Grace, leaning forward in her chair in an attempt to hold Devon’s gaze.
    “I don’t know. But, Gracie, it’s not just him. I’m afraid I’ll die without ever having known…” Devon could not finish her sentence, could not look at her sister, she was so ashamed.
    Grace looked at her sympathetically. She understood what her sister meant. Grace was an extremely sensuous woman and could not imagine life without love—or without lovemaking. “You don’t ever have to resign yourself to… that,” said Grace softly.
    “But I’ve never been in love. I’ve never wanted to marry any man I met, except this man.”
    “Who is he?”
    “His name is John Alexander. He lives in New York. He was here on a visit.” Devon went on to explain the circumstances of their meeting and his subsequent courtship of her.
    “Do you want to marry him?”
    “How is that possible? I’ve known him such a short time. All I know is that I want to… he makes me feel…” Devon paused, too embarrassed to describe the physical longing he aroused in her.
    “You mean you would like to make love to him, whether or not you marry him?” asked Grace bluntly.
    “Grace! How can you say such a thing!” Devon exclaimed, shocked that her sister could discern the very idea she was unable to stifle in her own mind.
    “Don’t be priggish, Devon. It’s done all the time in Paris. Women make love with a lot of men who aren’t their husbands. Some of them do it after they marry, some before. It’s perfectly natural to desire a man. In fact, I’m surprised you’re still a—” Grace did not finish the sentence, but raised her eyebrows questioningly.
    “Grace! Of course I am! Mother and Father would die if they could hear you.”
    “Well, they can’t, so it doesn’t matter,” Grace said dismissively, scooting her chair closer to the bed. “Look, my dear.