Seattle Noir by Curt Colbert Page B

the knife.
    Thank god you’re here, officer! This man just confessed to murder.
    Get away from him, says the cop, who looks a little like Matt Damon.
    It’s true, says Mineo. He told us he killed a woman near the bridge last night.
    Damon’s eyes widen. He’s heard about the dead woman.
    Is that true?
    I didn’t kill anybody, says Petey. They did it. You saw them attack me.
    We took the knife away from him, says Widmark.
    Ask him why she died, says Mineo.
    The cop is frowning, not sure where to point the gun. Why’d she die, sir?
    Be silent, boy, says Strabo, but Petey can’t help himself.
    She was a spy. For Starbucks.
    See? says Mineo.
    Petey shakes his head, trying to clear it. They attacked me by the dinosaurs. Then I came up here, past the rocket, and saw Lenin.
    Damon nods. You were attacked by a dinosaur and came here by rocket. Was that after you killed the woman?
    Dear, dear, says Strabo. The constable’s not from around here.
    Damon has his handcuffs in one hand, gun in the other. Put your hands on your… What happened to your arm?
    He’s afraid you’ll get his cuffs bloody. Har har.
    Your honor, says Strabo, my client pleads not guilty by season of inanity.
    Petey falls back on the tiles. He’s crying.
    You’re under arrest , says Lenin.
    The detective is Bill Cosby, except his hair is gray and he has a thin mustache. He is scowling and Petey figures it is because he’s only a TV star and the movie stars outrank him.
    Mr. Gottesman, he says, you say you saw those two men following Ms. Mantello, but you didn’t do anything about it.
    I was scared. Did you see him in Night and the City?
    Who?
    Petey explains about Richard Widmark. Cosby frowns more. Mr. Gottesman, where do you think you are right now?
    Petey looks around. I’m sitting at a patio table in a Mexican-style plaza in the middle of Seattle. Dozens of tourists are watching me. I’m handcuffed to an umbrella, staring at Lenin’s giant butt, while a medic patches up my arm and a cop interrogates me. How much of that is real?
    Cosby shrugs. All of it.
    Petey repeats something Fox had said before disappearing again. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean there aren’t two men chasing you with a knife.
    The detective thinks that one over. He looks at the movie stars standing on the other side of the plaza by the taco shop, talking to Matt Damon.
    You said Ms. Mantello was a spy for a coffee company.
    They told me that.
    Cosby sighs.
    Okay. Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re still under arrest. We’re gonna take you to the hospital to get that arm looked at. Then I think a judge will order an examination—
    No hospitals, says Fox. They wipe your freaking memory there. You know that.
    Think , Petey, says Strabo. Make him see the truth and the truth will set us free!
    Listen, Bill, says Petey, I followed that woman because she looked like Abby, my ex-wife. I didn’t go near those guys because they scared me. But I didn’t kill her, and when it happened I couldn’t get near them because of the drawbridge.
    The drawbridge? She came from Queen Anne?
    We all did. But the drawbridge went up—
    You didn’t mention that.
    Nobody asked, says Petey.
    I’m asking now. Tell me the whole route.
    Petey does. Cosby nods and stands up.
    He calls for Officer Bestock and Damon hurries over.
    There’s a bank on Nickerson Avenue and they’ve got a security camera out front. Tell ’em we need the tapes from last night. He looks at the movie stars and raises his voice. If that woman was over there, we’ll know. And if someone was following her, we’ll see who it was.
    Mineo starts to cry. Widmark tells him to shut up, but it’s too late.
    Cosby turns to Petey. How’d you know my name is Bill?
    It’s in the credits.
    Petey tells them he has no insurance, which usually saves him from medical care, but this time they insist he’s going to the hospital.
    Cause you’re a hero, says Fox.
    Indeed, says Strabo. A veritable Hercules or