Seductive Viennese Whirl by Emma Kaufmann

water.
    "Do you fancy a grape?" I ask, peeling the cellophane from the fruit basket. "Thanks, but I couldn't eat a thing." He puts his hand over mine. "It's good to see you."
    I had been looking forward to feeling him grapes, but instead I have to make do with scoffing them myself. His complexion is the shade of white knickers gone grey in the wash, but when he flashes me a smile I remember why I'm nuts about him.
    While I'm busy stuffing my face, a doctor comes in and fixes a chart at the bottom of the bed. He's about to go when I say, "Do you mind me asking, was he deliberately poisoned by those animal activists? Shards of glass slipped into a pie, that sort of thing?"
    "You have quite an imagination," he says, chuckling. "Sten tells me he was hanging around the kitchen earlier in the day and because he was ravenous he bunged a few of the frozen pies in the microwave. The meat was probably barely heated through and crawling with bacteria. That's why no one else got sick. The stuff for the guests was properly defrosted and cooked."
    "Oh," I say, somewhat disappointed. That doesn't sound half as exciting as victim of animal right espionage.
    After the doctor's left, I help Sten sit up and we talk about last night. Turns out he wasn't embarrassed about my antics on the back of the deer at all. Thought I was quite hilarious. He even says, get this, that we must do it again sometime, and fixes his gaze on me. My palms are starting to perspire and I'm wondering whether it would be inappropriate to give him a little peck on the cheek, when a tall black guy rushes into the room.
    He bustles up to Sten and starts chattering at an amazing rate. Something about a Chihuahua called Madison who's been pining for Sten all night.
    Sten is totally mesmerized by this stranger, who, frankly, I wish would just push off.
    At last Sten says, "Sorry, how rude of me, this is Henry."
    To which I reply, "I'm Kate. Pleased to meet you." But Henry just ignores me and sits down on the other side of the bed and presses Sten's hand between his.
    "I tried to come round last night, but they said visiting hours were over. I was so worried about you babe."
    I think about the term babe. It's a mighty strange term of endearment to call another man. It almost looks, oh God, don't make me say it. It almost looks as if Henry and Sten are gay or something. I tell myself not to jump to conclusions. It could be his brother, his manservant, a work colleague, for God's sake. It doesn't have to be his boyfriend. But when Henry leans over and kisses Sten and they hold the kiss for four seconds, I realize I have to face the unequivocal truth. Sten is queer.
    "Well," I say, jumping up. "I'd better be off." I feel about two inches tall as I creep towards the exit. Sten waves, still totally oblivious that I fancy the pants of him. Thank God I never told him about the wallpaper dream.
    "We must do lunch. I'll call you," he shouts after me, but I know he doesn't mean it.
    Another one bites the dust.
     
    Going to bed now to lick my wounds.
     
    Love always,
     
    Gherkin
     
     
    To: [email protected]
    From: [email protected]
    Subject: Are you blind?
    Date: 29 July 2011
     
    Dear poor little Gherkin,
     
    I'm so sorry that your hopes were dashed with this Swedish meatball, but purleeze. Pale pink suit, fuchsia tie! Are you blind? How did you not pick up on that? It should have set the alarm bells clanging immediately. You always were a strange one. So smart in so many ways but incredibly clueless in others, particularly when it comes to picking men. Do let me know if he calls. A really good gay friend can be hard to find but Sten sounds like a keeper. Talking of gay men I recently had Serge, a feng shui consultant come in and reposition the children's rooms because I was at my wits end, what with Blair waking up four times a night and Basil having 'accidents' in his bed and then wailing for me to change the sheets, it meant I wasn't getting a jot of