Shatner Rules by William Shatner Page B

tell them you are just following the lessons of William Shatner. (They might get peeved if your next important event is a funeral, though.)

Shatner Gets Serious
    All kidding aside, I love Scott, and we have remained great friends to this day. His ability to overcome hardship is one of his many strengths. As a child, he suffered a growth disorder, and he overcame it to become an Olympian and a gold medalist. And now he is a cancer survivor who—even after having a benign brain tumor removed—can still do a backflip on skates. Nowadays, he heads up the Scott Hamilton CARES Initiative, an advocacy group working hard to find a cure for the disease. Every year he raises money with the Scott Hamilton Ice Show and Gala, a black tie event. Or, in Scott’s and my case, a “black-robe soiree.”

CHAPTER 13
RULE: Know When to Turn Shatner On, and When to Turn Shatner Off
    O kay, this rule has nothing to do with sex. If it did, why would I start off by writing . . .
     
    DÜSSELDORF
    ESSEN
    FRANKFURT
    NUREMBERG?
    Yes, nothing says “sexy” like the names of German cities, and a few years back I was zipping by them while driving 135 mph on the Autobahn. (Keep in mind, I was wearing my seatbelt while driving at 135 mph, so in case I got into an accident, I would be trisected into three neat sections. That would make for easier cleanup; truly, the German way.)
    Not only do I find Germany unsexy, but I also find it unsettling. Why?
RULE: Never Watch the History Channel before Visiting Germany
    Please don’t take it personally, Germany, but the little Jewish kid inside of me from Montreal who grew up during World War II just doesn’t like the sound of Düsseldorf, Essen, Frankfurt, and Nuremberg.

    FUN FACTNER: William Shatner was in the film
Judgment at Nuremberg
along with Spencer Tracy, Burt Lancaster, Richard Widmark, Judy Garland, Marlene Dietrich, and Montgomery Clift. The film won two Academy Awards.*
    * ADDENDUM TO PREVIOUS FUN FACTNER: The above Fun Factner is the only “fun” fact ever associated with Nuremberg.
     
    The trunk of my rental car was filled with everything I’d need to put myself at ease in Germany: several pairs of lederhosen and a return-trip ticket. I was really questioning my decision to visit, but I was in Germany because of that most important Shatner Rule: Say “ja!”
    I had been asked to appear at an event for German television, along with that other famed German television icon: Charlton Heston. We were both receiving some kind of lifetime achievement award.
    Charlton Heston was a fine actor and a movie icon, but I didn’t know the man and was really looking forward to meeting him. I am drawn to controversial figures, and in recent years Heston had grown more and more political and—to some people—a little polarizing. The man had played Moses, but he was currently a God to gun owners across America.

    FUN FACTNER: Both Charlton Heston and William Shatner served as Bacchus King at Mardi Gras. Only one of them had the courage to go pantsless.
    This was around the time Charlton Heston was standing before NRA gatherings, raising a musket in his hand, and bellowing,
“From my cold dead hands!”
Since he was joining me for this event in Germany, I could only assume he softened that stance when passing through airport security.
    Before our awards show, I was to meet Heston in person, as we were both going to be guests of honor at a dinner for the event advertisers at a German restaurant. Although if we were really guests of honor, they would have taken us somewhere besides a German restaurant.
    One German horror
not
chronicled by the History Channel is the food. To be fair, around this time, I had become a bit of a food snob, having just come off hosting
Iron Chef USA
. We had shot two specials, featuring myself and celebrity judges Steve Schirripa, Brande Roderick, and comedy writer and
Hollywood Squares
fixture Bruce Vilanch.
    And by the way—if you’re going to have Bruce Vilanch on a