Since Forever Ago by Olivia Besse Page A

crap. Guys love it when girls are clingy and really emotionally invested, even though they pretend that they hate it.”
    “Are you sure about that?” Liz asked with a frown.
    “Oh yea. He said it makes them feel like they’re protecting you! Jealousy is supposedly really hot too, because it shows them how much you want them.”
    “That makes total sense,” Audrey gushed out.
    Riley nodded encouragingly before continuing on with her lesson. “Second, they want to meet a girl who will be their best friend.”
    “I guess that one’s understandable,” Liz acquiesced with a small shrug.
    “Yea, so feel free to swear as much as you want, burp as loudly as physically possible and shotgun as many beers as you can hold without vomiting all over yourself. They like a girl who can hold her liquor. Even better if she can outdrink them! Liberally throw in the word ‘bro’ during conversations, and act like you know a lot about sports and their favorite teams, even if you have no idea what you’re talking about,” Riley told them as Audrey took notes on her phone. “They appreciate the effort.”
    “What the fuck?” Liz commented with an incredulous smile on her face. “Was he joking?”
    “No!” Riley insisted as she shot Liz a wide-eyed look. “See? This is why our relationships sucked! We didn’t know what Noah and Henry actually wanted!”
    “I’m learning so much right now,” Audrey murmured as she continued to tap away on her phone.
    “Third, guys like it when a girl is as dumb as a sack of rocks.”
    “You’re kidding me.”
    “Nope,” Riley confirmed as Audrey nodded for her to continue. “They want to hear shrieks and giggles and ‘oh my God’s like there’s no tomorrow. Apparently, they think it’s really feminine and cute.”
    “So, basic manners, self-sufficiency and intelligence are bad things?” Liz asked, a disgusted grimace on her face.
    “Think about it,” Riley said in an insistent tone. “Guys are surrounded by other dudes all day long. They’re always competing with each other about who’s smarter or more skilled. They don’t want to hang out with an Einstein in a dress at the end of the day! They want to relax with a girl who giggles at everything they say and makes them feel like a total stud!”
    “It’s all so glaringly obvious,” Audrey commented in a hushed tone, her eyes round with awe.
    “I know, right?” Riley agreed, feeling enlivened by Audrey’s enthusiasm. “They also like it when you’re the life of the party. So make sure to try and become BFFs with all of his friends, and be really entertaining whenever you two go out. Dance, sing, shout, whatever.”
    “I highly doubt that,” Liz muttered under her breath.
    “Finally, your appearance. They just say that they don’t like it when you wear a lot of makeup because that’s what they’re supposed to say,” Riley continued. “But they think a girl with her face done up is classy. Like Elizabeth Taylor or Marilyn Monroe!”
    “Or a transvestite,” Liz mused aloud.
    “And, contrary to popular belief, they love it when girls are low-maintenance and casual. They don’t actually like it when girls dress up in heels or dresses!”
    “So why the hell do we suffer for hours in five-inch platforms?” Liz asked in a flat tone.
    “Because we enjoy it,” Riley explained as if it were all so blatantly evident. “ We’re the ones who like getting dressed up!”
    “ I don’t like it,” Liz replied matter-of-factly.
    “But you don’t like anything!” Audrey reminded her with a bubbly smile.
    “All right, you Male Whisperer,” Liz played along, smirking in amusement. “What do they want us to wear then?”
    “Sweatpants!” Riley cried out. “Ponytails and tee shirts and sweatpants !”
    “That completely goes against all of the crap you just said about the full face of makeup,” Liz countered, groaning loudly in frustration. “I mean, how is loungewear classy?”
    “Exactly,” Riley