and worst thing about the Internet is that everything you want to knowand even more that you dontis at your fingertips.
Even though I knew better than to poke at a hornets nestthe one in my mindI searched fatal familial insomnia.
Words leaped off the screen like an assault against my complacence. Increasing insomniapanic attackshallucinationsrapid weight lossdementia. doesnt show itself until or past childbearing years. Maybe I was already in the fourth and last stage of the disease! Never mind that its inherited and only twenty-eight families in the world suffer from it.
Now thoroughly depressed, I just dug myself deeper into the pit by searching for cases in which sleepwalking was used as a murder defense. Homicidal somnambulism , it was called, and the outcomes of the trials varied given the judges and juries.
It took a pint of chocolate-chip-cookie-dough ice cream, a half a jar of hot fudge topping eaten right with a spoon and three glasses of warm milk with cinnamon to settle me down. Maybe insomnia isnt so bad, considering the alternatives.
Now, too full to sleep, I wandered into the living room. The twins had demanded tonight to see pictures of me when I was their age and all my photo albums were strewn across the room. Im eclectic in my photo management. That means whenever I have new pictures, I stick them into albums wherever there is room, no matter what is on its other pages. Thats why I found photos of Ben Thomas squeezed in between my high-school graduation pictures and those of the birth of the twins.
Ben. Until that moment Id nearly forgotten about him. Without his picture staring out at me, Im not sure I would fully remember his face anymore. Odd, since Id once been head-over-heels in love with him.
College football star, math whiz, lady charmer Ben. But the most marvelous thing about him was that out of the hundreds of women on campus, most of whom were actively chasing him, hed been attracted to me. I made him laugh, hed said. And wed laughed a lot in the two years wed been together. He was going to be a veterinarian and I, another whiz kid in mathematics, was going to somehow save the world through numbers.
Ben was a public figure in those days. Student government, homecoming king, quarterbacka golden boy, so to speak.
It had been blissful for a time, that relationship of ours. Id ordered a subscription to Brides Magazine and started wandering through the china section of large department stores looking for the perfect pattern. Sometimes Id even swing through the bridal department just, of course, to keep up on the fashions. Ben caught me a time or two and didnt protest, which, in my mind, sealed the deal. A June wedding, a starter house, a white picket fence and a dogI had it planned perfectly. Unfortunately Ben changed the plans midstream without letting me know.
I sat back and recalled the fateful conversation that thrust my little fantasy into the harsh spotlight of reality.
Suze, weve got to talk. Ben had looked more somber than usual and probably more handsome.
Can it wait until after dinner? Ive got a project to finish up.
No. We need to talk now.
Never having heard that particular tone in his voice, I agreed immediately and followed him to a park bench on one of the large expanses of grass between buildings on campus.
Whats up?
Ben looked at me with such a miserable expression on his face that he worried me.
Whats wrong? Something with one of your family?
No, nothing like that.
Hed called this meeting. Why wasnt he getting on with it?
Suze, some of the guys have beenThey think its a big joke butI know Im probably wrong to feel this way but
What are you talking about? And how is it you are supposed to feel?
Im supposed to not care!
I was completely confused. I put my hand on his arm but he pulled it away. Dont do that, Suze. Its difficult enough already.
Do what? Touch you? A shudder of fear went through me, a foretaste of what was to come.
I think you are probably the
Even though I knew better than to poke at a hornets nestthe one in my mindI searched fatal familial insomnia.
Words leaped off the screen like an assault against my complacence. Increasing insomniapanic attackshallucinationsrapid weight lossdementia. doesnt show itself until or past childbearing years. Maybe I was already in the fourth and last stage of the disease! Never mind that its inherited and only twenty-eight families in the world suffer from it.
Now thoroughly depressed, I just dug myself deeper into the pit by searching for cases in which sleepwalking was used as a murder defense. Homicidal somnambulism , it was called, and the outcomes of the trials varied given the judges and juries.
It took a pint of chocolate-chip-cookie-dough ice cream, a half a jar of hot fudge topping eaten right with a spoon and three glasses of warm milk with cinnamon to settle me down. Maybe insomnia isnt so bad, considering the alternatives.
Now, too full to sleep, I wandered into the living room. The twins had demanded tonight to see pictures of me when I was their age and all my photo albums were strewn across the room. Im eclectic in my photo management. That means whenever I have new pictures, I stick them into albums wherever there is room, no matter what is on its other pages. Thats why I found photos of Ben Thomas squeezed in between my high-school graduation pictures and those of the birth of the twins.
Ben. Until that moment Id nearly forgotten about him. Without his picture staring out at me, Im not sure I would fully remember his face anymore. Odd, since Id once been head-over-heels in love with him.
College football star, math whiz, lady charmer Ben. But the most marvelous thing about him was that out of the hundreds of women on campus, most of whom were actively chasing him, hed been attracted to me. I made him laugh, hed said. And wed laughed a lot in the two years wed been together. He was going to be a veterinarian and I, another whiz kid in mathematics, was going to somehow save the world through numbers.
Ben was a public figure in those days. Student government, homecoming king, quarterbacka golden boy, so to speak.
It had been blissful for a time, that relationship of ours. Id ordered a subscription to Brides Magazine and started wandering through the china section of large department stores looking for the perfect pattern. Sometimes Id even swing through the bridal department just, of course, to keep up on the fashions. Ben caught me a time or two and didnt protest, which, in my mind, sealed the deal. A June wedding, a starter house, a white picket fence and a dogI had it planned perfectly. Unfortunately Ben changed the plans midstream without letting me know.
I sat back and recalled the fateful conversation that thrust my little fantasy into the harsh spotlight of reality.
Suze, weve got to talk. Ben had looked more somber than usual and probably more handsome.
Can it wait until after dinner? Ive got a project to finish up.
No. We need to talk now.
Never having heard that particular tone in his voice, I agreed immediately and followed him to a park bench on one of the large expanses of grass between buildings on campus.
Whats up?
Ben looked at me with such a miserable expression on his face that he worried me.
Whats wrong? Something with one of your family?
No, nothing like that.
Hed called this meeting. Why wasnt he getting on with it?
Suze, some of the guys have beenThey think its a big joke butI know Im probably wrong to feel this way but
What are you talking about? And how is it you are supposed to feel?
Im supposed to not care!
I was completely confused. I put my hand on his arm but he pulled it away. Dont do that, Suze. Its difficult enough already.
Do what? Touch you? A shudder of fear went through me, a foretaste of what was to come.
I think you are probably the
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