Stolen Desire (The Lust List: Kaidan Stone #3) by Nova Raines, Mira Bailee Page B

tighter, my blood running cold. “What do you mean?”
    Kaidan runs a hand through his hair and sinks down in the armchair next to the bathroom, like he can't hold himself up anymore. “Corey and I have a bad history.”
    “Over what?” I try to make my voice light, but my stomach is churning. “A girl?”
    “Actually, yeah. There was this girl in high school…”
    “Avery,” I whisper, as all the hints dropped tonight start to come together.
    He nods, his jaw tight. “She was my girlfriend for a few months. It wasn't even that serious. At least it wasn't to her.”
    He smiles a little, and then the sadness seeps back into his expression. “She started cheating on me with Corey. Everyone knew about it but me, and no one told me. Maybe if they had… I could have stopped it. But I found out too late. They got wasted one night, and Corey drove his car into a pole. He made it. She didn't.”

The pain on his face is so deep that I can't help but walk over to him to lay a hand on his arm. “I'm so sorry.”
    “I shouldn't have had Charles follow you. I shouldn't have done that. I just… I don't want to lose you, too.” His voice is gruff, and he takes my hand from where it rests on his arm and starts running his fingers along my palm. He stares at it like all the answers to his problems reside there. “And then when you got in that accident… Something inside me just snapped.” He looks back up at me. “And I don't know how to turn it off.”
    I sit down on the armrest, searching his face for answers, but he looks back down at my hand, ashamed.
    A million different emotions are swirling within me. I'm conflicted, torn between the way I feel about him and the way I feel about how controlling he's been. And I don't know how I feel about the fact that he's blaming his actions on a dead girl. I feel awful about what happened, but am I truly a replacement? I can't be a stand-in for a ghost.
    I finally find the words to respond. “Thank you… for telling me. You shouldn't blame yourself. You couldn't have stopped what happened to Avery.” I pause, trying to word what I want to say next. “And you can't turn it off because you need to feel in control. I went through the same thing after my mom died. I don't know if you knew this, but… I used to shoplift.”
    Kaidan meets my eyes. “Yeah. I know. But I don't care about your past.”
    I let out a breath. “Well, my therapist said it was for the sense of control it gave me. Only it didn't actually give me any control. You can't control people or life. You can only control yourself.”
    He leans into the chair and trails a hand down my back. “My therapist also tried to tell me that. So I fired her.”
    I let out an abrupt laugh, and the mood lightens a bit, but not by much.
    “Hayley…” His eyes are filled with anguish, and he's not trying to hide it anymore. “Do you think you can you forgive me one more time?”
    I slowly nod. “I can. But… I'm not her. I can't be her. I know I look like her and…”
    “No. I wasn't attracted to you because you look like someone else.”
    “Are you sure, because—”
    “I'm sure.” Kaidan grabs my hand again and holds it tight, like he's willing me to believe him. “I don't want you to be her. Because what I feel for you is a thousand times stronger than anything I've ever felt for anyone else. And that's what scares me the most. Because… if I lost you…”
    I see the truth in his eyes, and I believe it. Because I feel it, too. The connection between us is something I've never felt with anyone else.
    He's never seen me as a replacement. His behavior has been him trying to protect himself from the pain he felt over losing his first girlfriend. He's been blaming himself for Avery's death this whole time, afraid to get close to someone else.
    We stare into each other's eyes for a moment longer, neither of us speaking, and then I'm helpless to deny the attraction, to deny the feelings anymore.
    I want to be with