Tell Me No Secrets by Julie Corbin Page A

after I’d done it. I couldn’t keep it to myself. As a secret, it was so much bigger than me.
    My limbs feel heavy and loose and I roll my head around on my neck to ease the tension in my shoulder muscles.
    â€˜So?’ Ella is watching me. ‘What’s with the drinking?’
    Suddenly I feel like everything is within my control. ‘Ella.’ I smile. ‘We still need to talk.’
    â€˜Well, obviously you’ve been in my room, so what is there to talk about?’ She leans back against the counter and folds her arms across her chest. ‘So you know I’m on the pill and you don’t like it and you don’t like Jamie. Big deal!’ She sneers down into my face. ‘This isn’t the nineteenth century. Girls choose their own boyfriends. And by the way, it was Daisy who suggested I go on the pill. She’s not as perfect as you think.’
    â€˜That’s great. I’m glad you girls have been giving each other advice. Sisters should support each other, and you know what? You’re right.’ I wave the glass at her. ‘Why should it matter what I think? You go right ahead! Do what you want, live your life any way you want to, see where that gets you.’
    I pour my fourth glass of wine, toss the empty bottle into the bin and when I look back at her I see that disquiet is edging in at the corner of her eyes, forcing her to speak.
    â€˜What’s the matter with you?’
    â€˜What’s the matter with me?’ I laugh. ‘What’s the matter with me? I know! I’m tired of your attitude. You want to be an adult? I’ll treat you like one.’ I turn my back to her and scrabble about in the back of the cutlery drawer until I find what I’m looking for.
    â€˜You smoke ?’ She is incredulous.
    â€˜What? You think you have a monopoly on that too?’ I hold the packet out to her. ‘You want one?’
    â€˜Mum!’
    I light up the cigarette and inhale, holding my breath for several seconds before I blow smoke up towards the ceiling.
    She starts to add up my symptoms on her fingers. ‘You’ve been crying, you’re smoking, knocking back the wine like there’s no tomorrow?’
    â€˜No tomorrow?’ I laugh. It sounds maniacal. ‘Well, now you’ve hit the nail on the head!’
    â€˜Jesus, Mum, are you ill? Shall I call Dad?’ A tear trickles down her right cheek and she pushes it into her hair.
    I wave her away. The wine is lulling me, relieving me of inhibitions and it makes me want to confess. ‘No, I’m fine. I’m not sick. It’s just—’ I stop. Articulating what I feel will involve the truth. And I can’t do that. I look at my daughter and know that she must never find out. Never. ‘Really, I’m fine. Just wallowing in a little self-pity.’ I shrug. ‘It happens.’
    She hugs me hard and I feel her woman’s body press against mine.
    â€˜All part of being an adult.’ I make an apologetic face. ‘Every so often you feel a failure or a bitch and wish you’d done something differently.’
    â€˜But you never do anything wrong, that’s why you get on my nerves!’ she shouts. ‘You’re always patient with me even when you should be grounding me or telling Dad. You never lose it with Grandad even when he’s confused as hell and you have to repeat things a hundred times and you’re kind and you laugh and you can paint – you’re like the best artist I know and you look good! You’re a milf!’
    â€˜What’s a milf?’
    Her eyes widen. ‘Oh, don’t make me tell you!’
    â€˜Well, you’ll have to now – and as we’re both adults.’
    â€˜Mother I Would Like to Fuck.’ She screws up her face. ‘Jamie said it.’ She starts to laugh. ‘I’m sorry, Mum, but really it’s a compliment.’
    â€˜Yes, I can see that.’