The Arrival of Missives by Aliya Whiteley Page A

myself?
    The man sitting in the central position holds out a hand. I move to shake it, and he grimaces, and points instead. 'There, please.' I turn my head and see the chair to which he points. I walked right past it.
    I have already established myself, without saying a word, as an idiot.
    I move to the chair, and sit on the very edge, poised to flee. Daniel is outside this new building, with the horse and cart, and I could run for it, run to his arms, so he could hold me, and comfort me. Now I am aware of how many girls there are just like me, what do I have that makes me special? Perhaps it is better to be important in Westerbridge than to be an idiot in Taunton.
    'Miss… Fearn, is that correct?' says the man on my left. He is bald, and his head is shaped rather like an egg, with a point to it as if his brain is a mountain. What lofty mental peaks he must climb every single day.
    I nod, and try not to get distracted by such thoughts.
    'We will ask you a number of questions in order to ascertain your suitability for the training course, and for work in the teaching field, which is, as you know, a great responsibility and an important role for the rebuilding of the country's youth. So let me start by asking you – what would you like to pass on to the next generation? What is there that you, in particular, can teach them?'
    I can't think of anything to say.
    But my mouth opens and I begin to talk, and I talk and I talk, amazed at myself, and at everything I have to say. There is so much more to tell them, and the words seem fresh and unplanned, unthought. I could talk for hours upon this subject: the future.
    When I stop talking, the men stare at me, and I stare back. I cannot remember a single thing I have just said.
    *
    'It can't have gone that badly,' says Daniel.
    I cannot reply. My throat is sore from so much talking. There were so many questions. At one point the man on the right had to interrupt me in order to ask his question, and yet I still cannot remember what I said.
    'I'm thinking it went well and you can't see it,' Daniel says. 'You're the best in class at questions, and the like. You're the brightest girl I know, Shirley.'
    It's a long journey back to Westerbridge. By the end he has given up trying to console me. We are returned by early afternoon, to the place where we set off, and nothing there is different. The grass grows, the flowers bloom. He brings the horse to a stop next to the stile, and I hop down.
    'Hey,' he calls. 'Is that it, then? Is that all I deserve, for the trouble I'll get into?'
    'What would you have, then? Another kiss?' My voice is back. It's loud, with a shrill edge.
    'Not in your mood. You'd bite me, I reckon.'
    'So what, then?'
    He looks at the reins in his hands, then ahead at the road. 'Nothing.'
    'Right, then.' I hop onto the stile.
    'Wait!' he calls. Can he not see I need to be alone? I want to hide in the fields until the time school ends, and then I can retreat to my bedroom to think through what will become of my life now. For if I cannot go to Taunton, what will I do? How will I become the woman I need to be?
    'I'll get in trouble,' Daniel says. 'Over the horse and cart.'
    'I know.'
    'It doesn't matter, though. I had this idea. That you would get in. Don't laugh at me, but I wanted you to get in and me to find a job Taunton way, and for us to... live there. In a different way. Not the way everyone has laid out for us. If you go, can I come? Can we do that?'
    'Do you mean – go together?' I ask. 'In what form?' I am trying to grasp what is in his head.
    He frowns. I see him reaching for the words. 'I don't know. Couldn't we just be people together, and forget everything else, forget your father and my father and the farm and the smithy, and who will own what one day? And forget Mr Tiller.' He swallows. 'What would it even matter, if we could be happy?'
    'Happy together?' Why am I suddenly stuck on this one word? Just hours before I could have talked for hours, and now I am