The Football Fan's Manifesto by Michael Tunison Page B

field and having friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and ex-boyfriends fill the stands. Or, you know, if you wantto make it racy as opposed to clinical (the NFL would not approve), you could always opt for an actual classroom and her in a naughty schoolgirl outfit. One thing Diner got right was the refusal of bathroom breaks during the proceedings. The last thing you need in a significant other is someone who’s going to drag you out of your seat during a two-minute drill. Unlike in the movie, you should be as generous as possible with any water she requests. You’re really going to want to test that bladder. A nearby slowly dripping faucet is a nice touch.
    In many ways, you have to look at this like it’s a football tryout. Most football players who reach the NFL have the physical attributes to excel. The same is true with potential spouses. It’s character issues that determine who flies or falters. If you’ve gotten to this point, you should have some sense of what the person is like in the sack, so that needn’t be part of this examination. Besides, once you get married, you won’t be getting laid anyway, so you might as well figure out how much suffering you should expect beforehand. Consider this the wifely Wonderlic.
    A composite score will be produced based on performance in eight football-pertinent fields:
     
    1. Trash-talking: Demand she write a thousand-word essay on why hers is the best team in the league. If that team is not your own, immediately dock her points. Score for creative use of invective and cheap slurs. If she writes in all capital letters, you probably met her on the Internet. If that’s the case, just be happy a woman showed up.
    2. Passion: Insult the starting quarterback or head coach of her favorite team. Immediately provide her with a mannequin. Time her on how long it takes her to dismember it. Anything over twenty seconds isn’t marriage material. Impose five seconds of penalty time for each eyeball not gouged out. Remind yourself to never do that again.
    3. Patience: Sit her down for a conversation with Chad Ocho Cinco. If she can stand his nonsensical musings for five minutes, she’s willing to deal with anything.
    4. Appearance: You know what’s hotter than a girl who knows a lot about football? How about one who’s just hot? Sacrilege, I know, but the last thing you want to end up with is a female Packers fan. Sure, the various cheeses she feeds you will be delicious, but good luck peeling a woman the size of Gilbert Brown off you in the morning.
    5. 40 Time: Clock her time in the 40-yard dash. This shouldn’t factor into your decision, but it will probably be fun to watch.
    6. Pink Jerseys: Does she own one? If so, run. Now! Stop reading! Move!
    7. Punctuality: Request a beer. You may be in the middle of a field with no refrigerator in sight, but the truly dedicated will find a way around this. The average commercial break is about two minutes, so make this your cutoff time. Anything over that mark is an automatic fail. Ditto if the beer she brings you is a Coors Light.
    8. Is She Actually Submitting to This Test?: Diner was a movie released in the ’80s that was depicting life in the ’50s. Women were considerably more subservient in those days, so much so that they might actually put up with a bullshit exam like this. Women ain’t having it nowadays, playboy. So if you find one willing to undergo this charade, it probably means she loves you. Just marry her already, you dumb fuck. Like anyone else is going to put up with you.
     
    IV.5 The Obligatory Guidelines for Female Fans
    Women have made startling progress in football fandom. So much so that the definition of who is a football fan is quickly and dramatically changing. Football, more than any other major sport, has long been considered the province of the penile persuasion. Women, so went the conventional wisdom, would never be interested in a sport where people violently flung themselves into each other, or at