The Forever Girl by Alexander McCall Smith Page B

his position, she would not have believed herself either.
    “Well, I don’t think it has anything to do with me,” he said. “As I said, I like to avoid getting involved in other people’s entanglements. I know that these things happen, by the way. I’m not standing here being disapproving.”
    “I feel so powerless. I can’t make you believe …”
    He interrupted her. “You don’t have to make me believe anything, Amanda.”
    “I’m not cheating on David,” she said, putting as much resolution into her voice as she could muster. “I want you to know that.”
    “Fine. So you’ve told me.”
    “But I need to know: will you tell David about what happened today?”
    He rose to his feet. His tone now was distant. “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to lie. I know you may have little time for it, but I happen to hold a religious position on these things. I will not tell a lie.” He looked at her. “Does that make me sound pompous? Okay, it does. But that’s where I stand.”
    She struggled to control herself. Tears were not far off, she felt, but she did not want to break down. “You don’t sound pompous, John. And I’d never ask you to lie. All I’d like to ask you is not to tell him about my being out there in the boat. That’s not a lie. It’s just …”
    “Concealment?”
    She tried to fight back. “We don’t have a duty to tell everybody everything. That’s not concealment, for heaven’s sake.”
    He seemed to reflect on this. He walked to the window and looked out across the grass to the sea beyond. She thought: he’s never been involved in the messiness that goes with relationships. He doesn’t know. He’s a monk, with a monk’s understanding of life, which is not how life is for most of us.
    “I’ll not say anything,” he said after a while. “I won’t mention the incident to David, but, and I’m sorry to say you won’t make me change my mind on this, if he were to ask me about it, then I would have to tell him the truth.” He turned to face her. “And that truth would be the whole truth.”
    She knew what he meant by this. If he were asked, he would mention the kiss.
    She nodded her acceptance. Then she said, “John, may I just say one thing more? I haven’t lied to you today. I promise you that. I’ve got nothing to hide.”
    He raised an eyebrow. “Apart from what you’re hiding from David.”
    She looked down at the floor. She would not lose her temper.
    “You know something?” she said. “You think that you understand things. You don’t, you know. You’ve kept yourself apart from the messy business of being an ordinary human being with ordinary human temptations and imperfections and … and conflicts. You’re looking at the world through ice, though, John.”
    His look was impassive, but she could tell that she had wounded him. She had not meant to do that, and she immediately apologised. “I’m sorry. That came out more harshly than I intended. I’m very sorry.”
    He held up a hand. “But you’re right,” he said. “I have kept myself away from these things you mention. But have you any idea – any idea at all – of what that has cost me? You don’t know,do you, about how I’ve come back here sometimes, at night, by myself, and cried my eyes out? Like a boy? You don’t know that, do you?”
    “I’m sorry, John …”
    He shook his head. “I didn’t mean to burden you with that. It’s nothing to do with you.”
    She got up and went towards him. She put an arm around his shoulder, to comfort him. He flinched at her touch.
    “I understand,” she whispered. “I understand.”
    “Do you? I don’t think people do.”
    “They do. Some may not, but most do.”
    After that, they were, for a time, quite silent. She moved away from him and told him that she would not stay for coffee after all. He nodded, and accompanied her, unspeaking, to the door. The heat outside met her like a wall.

11
    Teddy’s father was arrested four days later. It