The Getaway Man by Andrew Vachss Page B

I was a kid.
    “Oh, you’re
    precious,” she said. She was laughing or crying; it was hard to tell with
    her face buried.
    L ate that night, she woke me up. I
    was on my back, looking up at her. She was holding the silver box with the red
    ribbon.
    “What’s this?” she said. “A present
    for someone.”
    “Yeah.”
    “It’s for
me,
now,” she said.
    She tore off the paper like she was
    in a hurry. When she saw the perfume, she made a little noise in her
    throat.
    “Is this your favorite?” she said.
    “I
    don’t know. I never smelled it.”
    Daphne opened the top of
    the bottle. She put her finger on the top and turned it upside down. Then she
    patted herself all over. Behind her ears, between her boobs, on the front of
    her legs. She kept going back to the bottle for refills. When she was done, she
    turned her back to me, so I could see where else she was putting the
    perfume.
    “ W here are you going?” she asked me the next
    morning.
    “I have to see someone about work,” I
    said.
    “Take the Lexus,” she said. “I’ve got
    another car. Bring it back when you come tonight.”
    It took me a
    couple of hours to find my way to where I’d been staying. I had to
    backtrack over and over again, but I didn’t want to ask anybody for
    directions.
    I guess it all started when Daphne said I had to tell
    her a secret.
    I felt myself go cold in my spine when she said that.
    In my life, only one kind of person wants to know such things.
    “What secret?” I asked her.
    “Not any
particular
secret, you dope,” she said. “
A
secret, that’s all. It doesn’t matter which one. Everybody has
    secrets. When people share their spirits, that’s part of the
    deal.”
    “I don’t understand,” I said. I say that
    a lot, to buy time. But, when I think about it later, I always see that I
    hadn’t been lying.
    “Didn’t I tell you secrets?”
    she said.
    “About stealing?”
    “Yes!”
    “I already knew that,” I said. “I mean, I saw you when
    you were—”
    “Secrets aren’t about
what,
” she said, whispering. “Secrets are about
why.
Remember what I told you, Eddie? About feeling guilty? And being
    punished … ?”
    “I.…”
    “That
    was a
special
secret. You’re the only one who knows. I never
    told anybody. Do you know why?”
    “Because they
    wouldn’t understand?”
    “That’s right, Eddie!
    Don’t you have feelings like that? Feelings you know other people
    wouldn’t understand?”
    “I … guess.”
    “You know you do. Everybody does. Everybody in the whole
    world.”
    It made me feel good, to know that. It made me more like
    a regular person.
    That was the night I told her about driving.
    I could never explain exactly what driving was. I guess I
    shouldn’t say it like that. Before Daphne, I had never really tried. She
    worked real hard at understanding what I was telling her, but I guess I
    wasn’t making much sense.
    “Remember I told you, about a
    dream I once had?” she said.
    “About getting
    caught?”
    “Yes. The truth is, I have that dream all the
    time, Eddie. Not just that once. And even when I’m awake. Do you have any
    dreams like that?”
    “About getting caught?”
    “No!
Any
dream that you have over and over.”
    I
    didn’t say anything. I wanted to tell her. There was no reason I
    couldn’t. I mean, it wasn’t like I would be ratting anyone out. My
    dream wasn’t about stealing, it was about driving. But something was
    making me not say it out loud.
    In my dream, I’m standing in the
    dark, by the side of a road. Yellow beams cut through the night; a car, coming.
    I can’t tell what kind, but it’s low to the ground. The car is
    black. Not pitch black—the same black as ravens, with a glisten to
    it.
    The car stops. I can’t see inside, but I know there’s
    no one in the driver’s seat.
    The car sits there, waiting. I know
    if I get in, I’ll be driving for all eternity.
    I never get in.
    But I know one night I will.
    “I dream about