The Girl in Blue by P.G. Wodehouse Page A

can he do? How many policemen are
there around these parts?’
    ‘Only
one.’
    Then I’ve
seen him. He’s as big as all outdoors, must weigh two hundred pounds, and
Chippendale’s a little shrimp who couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag.
The thing would be over in the first round.’
    ‘But
suppose Chippendale lurks and does him some secret injury?’
    ‘Such
as?’
    Crispin
had to admit that he could not specify one offhand, and Barney said he must not
let his imagination run away with him.
    ‘You’re
thinking of what happens in these novels of suspense. You see him slipping
cobras down the cop’s chimney or adding some little-known Asiatic poison to his
evening glass of beer. But if it gives you the jitters, him being here, why don’t
you simply ease him out? Nothing so difficult about firing a butler, is there?’
    Crispin
hesitated. We all have secrets which we prefer to keep to ourselves, and he saw
that he was on the verge of revealing his darkest one. Then his need for
sympathy overcame reticence.
    ‘I can’t
fire him.’
    ‘Why
not?’
    ‘Because
he’s not a butler.’
    ‘He acts
like one.’
    ‘I mean
not a real butler.’
    ‘I don’t
get you.’
    ‘He’s
employed by the firm that does the repairs about the house. I owe them a lot of
money. It’s been owing for two years. So they sent him down here, and I can’t
get rid of him till I pay them. He’s what is called a broker’s man. I don’t
know if you have them in America.’
    Barney
was not an easy woman to surprise, but she could not repress a startled
ejaculation. It had never occurred to her that this sort of thing went on in
the stately homes of England. Mellingham Hall had made a deep impression on
her, and it came as a shock to learn that its cupboards were staffed with such
unpleasant skeletons.
    ‘You
mean you’re busted?’
    ‘I don’t
know which way to turn.’
    ‘Well,
fry me for an oyster. I’d never have guessed it. No wonder you didn’t want to
put any money on Brotherly Love. What are you going to do about it?’
    ‘I have
no idea.’
    ‘I
have. You must marry somebody with lots of money.’
    ‘Who
would have a man like me?’
    ‘With a
place like this? Dozens. You’ve only to advertise in The Times that you’re
open to offers, and they’ll come running. Good heavens, man, you’re amiable,
intelligent, understanding, sober, honest and kind to animals. I saw you
talking yesterday to that cat that hangs around, and I could see you were
saying all the right things. You’d be snapped up in no time. Then you’d be able
to run this place as it ought to be run, and you could fire Chippendale. How
come, by the way,’ said Barney, seeming to feel, like the detective in a
mystery story, that there were still some pieces in the jigsaw puzzle that had
to be fitted into place, ‘that this Chippendale character is buttling?’
    ‘That
was his suggestion. He said he supposed I didn’t want my paying guests to know
why he was here, so he would pose as the butler. I don’t have to pay him
anything.’
    The
gravity with which Barney had been discussing the secret life of the owner of
Mellingham Hall gave way to mirth. She uttered a laugh which was probably
audible in the next county.
    Then
you’re sitting pretty, seems to me. A non-profitmaking butler who can’t give
notice, it would make the mouths of some of my Long Island buddies water. They
have to slip theirs a prince’s ransom every pay day, and they can never be sure
when the fellows won’t hear the call of the wild and resign their portfolios.
So what are you fussing about? We’ve already decided that Chippendale’s threats
about what he’s going to do to the cop can be written off. Just baloney. And he
seems to buttle all right. Cheer up, Crips, and keep smiling. That’s the thing
to do. If you go through life with a smile on your face, you’ll be amazed how
many people will come up to you and say, “What the hell are you grinning about?
What’s