The Good Soldier Svejk by Jaroslav Hašek Page A

was all chortling about it. Then we got a new colonel and we heard that the old one was in a sanatorium or something because he'd written a letter to the Emperor to tell him that the eleventh company had mutinied."
    The time had now come for the doctor to pay his afternoon visit. Dr. Grunstein went from bed to bed, followed by a medical corps orderly with a notebook.
    "Macuna."
    "Present, sir."
    "Clyster and aspirin. Pokorny."
    "Present, sir."
    "Stomach to be rinsed out and quinine. Kovarik."
    "Present, sir." Clyster and aspirin. Kotatko."
    "Present, sir."
    "Stomach to be rinsed out and quinine."
    And so the process continued with, one after another, mercilessly, mechanically, incisively.
    "Schweik."
    "Present, sir."
    Dr. Grunstein gazed at the newcomer.
    "What's the matter with you?"
    "Beg to report, sir, I've got rheumatism."
    During the period of his activities, Dr. Grunstein had adopted a delicately ironical manner, which proved far more effective than shouting.
    1 "Halt!" 2 "Dismiss !"
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    "Aha, rheumatism," he said to Schweik. "You've got a frightfully troublesome illness. It's really quite a coincidence to catch rheumatism at the very moment when a war starts and you've got to join the army. I expect you're horribly upset about it." "Beg to report, sir, I am horribly upset about it." "Just fancy now, he's upset about it. It's frightfully nice of you to think of us with that rheumatism of yours. In peace time the poor fellow skips about like a goat, but as soon as war breaks out he's got rheumatism and can't use his knees. I suppose your knees hurt you?"
    "Beg to report, sir, my knees hurt me something cruel." "And night after night you can't sleep, eh? Rheumatism is a very dangerous, painful and troublesome illness. We've had some very satisfactory results with rheumatic patients here. Absolute diet and our other methods of treatment have proved extremely efficacious. Why, you'll be cured quicker here than at Pistany and you'll march up to the front line leaving clouds of dust behind you."
    Then, turning to the N. C. O. orderly, he said : "Write this down: 'Schweik, absolute diet, stomach to be rinsed out twice daily, clyster once daily' ; and then we'll see in due course what further arrangements are to be made : In the meantime, take him into the surgery, rinse out his stomach, and when he comes to, let him have the clyster, but thoroughly, till he screams blue murder and scares his rheumatism away."
    And then, turning to all the beds, he delivered a speech brimful of wise and charming adages :
    "Don't imagine you're dealing with the sort of nincompoop who lets himself be humbugged by any bit of hanky-panky. Your dodges don't worry me in the least. I know you're all malingerers who want to shirk the army. And I treat you accordingly. I've managed hundreds and hundreds ot soldiers like you. These beds have accommodated whole swarms of men who had nothing wrong with them except a lack of the military spirit. While their comrades were fighting at the front, they thought they'd loll about in bed, get hospital diet and wait till the war stopped. Well, that's where they made a damn big mistake, and you're all making a damn big mistake, too. In twenty years to come you'll still scream
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    in your sleep when you dream you're trying to swing the lead on me."
    "Beg to report, sir," announced a quiet voice from the bed near the window, "that I'm quite well again. My asthma sort of disappeared in the night."
    "Name?"
    "Kovarik, beg to report, sir, I'm for the clyster."
    "Good ; you'll have the clyster before you go, to help you along on your journey," decided Dr. Grunstein, "so you can't complain we didn't cure you here. And now, all the men whose names I read out are to follow the N. C. O. and get what's coming to them."
    And each one received a lavish portion as prescribed. Schweik's bearing was stoical :
    "Don't spare me," he urged the myrmidon who was applying the clyster to him, "remember, you've sworn to serve the