The Heavenly Table by Donald Ray Pollock Page B

at Ellsworth. His was the first friendly face the farmer had seen since he had left home the morning before. “Mister,” Ellsworth said quickly, “you wouldn’t have any idy where I could buy a good broom, would ye?” He noted that the pole the man carried was marked at regular intervals with dabs of black paint like a measuring stick and looked to be about eight feet long. The bottom third of it was coated with wet, dark matter, and a ball of flies buzzed around the tip of it like bees around a fragrant flower.
    The man stopped. “A broom? I sure do. I got an uncle that makes ’em. Old boy’s blind as a bat, but I guarantee you his sweepers are ten times better than anything you’ll find in the stores.” He pointed the rat down the street. “Just make ye a left at that house up yonder with the white fence and go down a block or so. You’ll see his sign right across from Antoine’s barbershop. You can’t miss it. His name is Cone.”

    “Cone,” Ellsworth repeated. “That your name, too?”
    “Yes, sir, it is. Jasper Cone.”
    “Reason I ask is you look an awful lot like an Odell I used to know.”
    The man shook his head. “No, I been a Cone all my life.”
    Though a little leery of making himself look like a fool yet again, Ellsworth’s curiosity got the better of him. He hesitated a moment, then asked, “What ye doin’ with that rat?”
    “Oh, I haul them out to the dump,” Jasper explained. “Nothing worse than a rodent when it comes to spreadin’ diseases.”
    “That your job? Go around killin’ rats?”
    “Well, not exactly,” Jasper said. “Mostly I check the levels on the outhouses, but if’n I run into, say, a black snake while I’m in there, or a spider’s nest, or a possum, or what have ye, I go ahead and take care of it.” He set the end of the pole down on the sidewalk and leaned against it. “Yes, sir, they’s a lot more to being the sanitation inspector than most folks realize.”
    Though Ellsworth couldn’t begin to imagine why anyone would pay a man to go around poking a stick in people’s privies, or why a man would want such a job in the first place, he nodded and said, “I bet ye seen some sights, ain’t ye?”
    “I surely have,” Jasper said. “Ye’d be surprised at what goes on in a shithouse.” He looked about, then moved toward the wagon and lowered his voice. “Husbands a-cheatin’ on their wives, wives a-cheatin’ on their husbands. And that’s not nearly the worst of it. I’ve come across people doin’ things that would make your hair stand on end. It’s the privacy, see? That’s what attracts them. Ye step in and latch the door and everybody thinks you’re just takin’ a dump. Why, I bet ye half the girls in this town have lost their cherry in somebody’s johnny.” He took another step closer. “Then there’s other stuff, too. A couple months back I rescued a newborn out of one over on Hickory Street. The mother thought she was just havin’ pains from some cabbage she’d et for supper, but as soon as she started to strain, out plopped a baby right down in the slop. Didn’t even know she was expecting, or so she claimed anyway.”

    “Good Lord,” Ellsworth said.
    “Oh, it turned out fine,” Jasper said. “I ran him straight over to Doc Hamm’s once I pulled him out. They put my name in the newspaper and everything. Heck, the mother even said she was goin’ to name him after me, but then her old man, he got jealous, started claiming that I’d been spying on her, and, well, that put the stops to that. But you can ask Mr. Rawlings, the city engineer, I don’t need nobody’s permission. I got a legal right to check any outhouse in this town.” Then Jasper’s face turned dark and he lowered his voice even more, to the point where Ellsworth could barely hear him. “Found me another one, too, over on the south side, but it was already dead. Nothin’ but his little feet stickin’ up like a couple of peckerhead mushrooms. They