The Muse by Suzie Carr Page A

each other, laughing, carrying on like awkward, silly kids. The boys wore long hair that fanned in front of their eyes and the girls dressed in black and weaved pink and blue feathers through their choppy hair. A tattoo of an angel with wings draped along one of the girl’s shoulder blades. She flirted with the cuter of the boys, tossing her hips around like they were powered by their own utility substation. This girl certainly didn’t have a shy vibe hindering her.
    How does one go about getting over being shy? How did people just randomly go up to another and strike up a conversation like they’d been talking their whole lives together? What did people say? How did saying hello lead to in-depth discussions on politics or scientific discoveries? Or more importantly, how in the world did saying hello lead to holding hands, making out and snuggling up in front of a fireplace listening to soft jazz, drinking vodka tonics and massaging each other’s sexual libidos?
    How did one go from walking in the front door of a bar to walking down the aisle? Why did others get hit on, but not me? What about me said stay away? I wasn’t downright ugly. I wasn’t beautiful, either. I stood in that in-between space teetering between common and pretty. I was presentable.
    So, why did people pass me by like they passed by a field of growing grass?
    # #
    We always gathered at an offsite location for our quarterly meetings. This time, we met at Dave and Buster’s at the Arundel Mills Mall. My tummy knotted up as I passed through the door and up to the hostess station where Katie stood with a clipboard.
    She rattled me even more these days. Since receiving the community hero award a few weeks prior, Sanjeev invited me to be a part of the discovery team for the sneaker line instead of her. She worked for weeks on buttering him up for this position, preparing detailed presentations on ways they could strategically position the sneakers in international markets. He walked right past her cubicle and straight to mine and asked me to join him and the other twenty in the focus group for a breakfast meeting. I sucked. I never spoke. I sat like a statue and listened to the other focus group members debate and offer their colorful opinions. Katie would’ve been much better suited for the role.
    In the days that followed my induction into this focus group, she raked me over with sneaky glances and extra critical feedback on my copywriting. She also insulted my intelligence by pointing out my mistakes in front of the marketing department at our morning meetings.
    She had taken this too far. I offered to come clean, but she wouldn’t let go of the guilt grip. This angered me.
    Katie stood tall at the hostess station, pumping up her smile. “Excited for your speech?”
    “I should be asking you that question,” I said mirroring her smug smile.
    Her smile widened. “You better believe I am.”
    “Don’t worry. I won’t disappoint.” I walked away from her towards the smell of eggs and cinnamon buns and flavored coffee. I entered the big gaming room and the buzz and lights of chaos hit me hard. I hated video games. I hated loud noises. I hated the look of frenzied people yelling at machines for proving them unworthy. I scanned the room looking for Eva. Underdressed, I wanted to kick myself for being so careless in my choice. What if no one else wore jeans? What if these flyaways on my face looked ridiculous? What if I lost my voice to her? The fears poked me like a bully and stole all of CarefreeJanie’s magical wit.
    Doreen landed by my side wearing a loud purple and orange paisley dress. “Hey,” she said in her happy beat. “Are you ready?”
    “Doreen,” I whispered. “I don’t want to be here.”
    She looked me square in the eye. “You’re wearing lip gloss. You’re not going anywhere.” She placed her hand on the small of my back and pushed me onward towards the back of the establishment, to that tall, slender figure standing like